August 09, 2016

thirty second dance party


Justin and I were watching Naruto: Shippuden last night and episode 210 got to me. I was still thinking about it when I went to bed. How strong memories are and how much the way you remember things vs what actually happened affects you. And then I started thinking "WHY?" in terms of the traumatic things that have occurred in my life. 

My first thought went to Cody, which surprised me at first. But then I realized that the anniversary of the first time "Nice shoes, wanna fuck?" is August 19. AKA right around the corner. It's been 7 months since his three sentence Facebook apology and this is the first time I'm staring an important anniversary in the eye. I don't know how to feel about it.

I don't know whether to be heartbroken for my past self because I remember her hurt, or empowered because it's been ten years and more importantly, I SURVIVED TEN YEARS of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and Bad Decisions and Intimacy Issues and Trust Issues and let's not forget the Breakdown Inducing Anxiety. 

I want to tell my past self to put on some red lipstick, stop listening to the acoustic version of Three Cheers for Five Years on repeat, and put on Tegan & Sara. Let go. Dance it out. That has truly been the motto of the last few weeks: Dance It Out. 

It doesn't matter that today is Tuesday and the last time I showered was Friday. That today it was a chore to drag myself out of bed just to be sad in the chair. That somehow I found the motivation to go to the grocery store. I sat in my car in the parking lot, pulled up "Where Does the Good Go?" on YouTube and danced it out in my car when I was done. 

The ins and outs of why things happen don't matter in the long run, I've realized. What matters is how you get through it. 

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