October 03, 2016

#thanksdepression

 

Lately I've been wishing it felt more natural to share the bad things. That we didn't delete all of our manic tweets and depressing tumblr text posts as soon as our "episode" was over. In this world of constant pressure from both a societal standpoint to do things a certain way, and the pressure to share nothing but good things on social media, it's crushing when life hands you a series of curveballs and you wonder, "What the fuck is wrong with me?" 

Spoiler alert: I am not taking my dad dying very well. The last few weeks have really taken their toll on me. Between rushing to get all of his stuff out of his apartment and then also dealing with paperwork while trying to maintain a normal life that I don't usually respond well to without my dad being gone? It's killing me. I'm lashing out at everyone. I'm either sleeping all the time or not at all. I cry over everything lately. I miss my dad, and I'm slowly learning that that feeling will never truly go away—it will simply lessen over time. 

Yesterday was the one year anniversary of my grandma's death. I called my mom to see how she was doing and I accidentally woke her up. I called my auntie and left a voicemail but she never called me back. Instead of doing any of the things I was supposed to yesterday, after work Justin's mom and I went to Dollar Tree and then she took me out to Chef Chu's for Chinese. We bought Justin little trinkets for his birthday and talked about life. It felt good to feel a connection to someone again, in a time where everything feels like it's always falling apart. 

Today is Justin's 30th birthday. I slept for a total of 16 hours (#thanksdepression) and Justin threw up shortly after he woke up and then went back to bed for a few hours. Today feels like a culmination of everything bad that has happened lately and all I want to do is lay in bed and wish everything would just stop for a while. (And then, right on cue, my anxiety will wake up and make feel guilty for not doing anything all day.) 

Things are hard right now. Thanks for always letting me share, Blogland. 

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