April 10, 2017

dear justin,

I never wrote about the Booky cat dying. It broke my heart too much. (It breaks my heart even now.) I still can't even think about that night, January 24, without tearing up. How I came home at 5 pm to check on him, moved him in front of the heater so he would be comfortable and I told him I loved him before I went back to work. You came home from work two hours later and he was gone. The pain in your voice when you called me, the heartbreak and all the anguish was palpable. It's one of those things I know I am always going to remember. 

Right now, you are outside in the backyard of your parent's house, digging his final resting place. I am sitting inside, watching Cops, and thinking about the last four years. 

Four years ago I packed all of my belongings into my car and drove three hours away from the only place that ever really felt like home to me, to start a new life with you. And that was the best decision I ever made. 

You're The One, babe. You're the one who made me feel seen for the first time in a long time. You listened to me. You believed in me and helped me face my fears. You still do all these things for me every day. 

Because of you, Justin, I know that I didn't deserve how I let people from my past treat me. You comfort me and let me know that everything will be okay during my meltdowns where people that have come before you have told me to "suck it up" and stop being so "god dammed sensitive." You have stuck by my side faithfully through all of the crap—the lying and the cheating and the bullshit when you absolutely didn't have to. I believe you stayed because you truly believed in the power of our love and what we can accomplish as a team. I cannot thank you enough for the courage it must have taken to forgive me. 

I love you, y'know? You have taught me how to be a better person. You have helped me to grow into the person I was always meant to become. You have helped me to overcome my insecurities and tame my anxiety. You have been there for me in the impossibly tough times—when my dad died, the first thing you did was go into crisis mode and made the phone calls that needed to be made while I was overwhelmed with heart wrenching sobs of grief. You have been my anchor, my rock, my support when my depression threatens to drown me. 

You always know how much power a back rub holds when I am upset. How much a little scratch under my chin makes me grin like an idiot any time of the day. You know all my ticklish spots that are guaranteed to make me laugh. 

I love you. 

I love doing this life with you, together. Let's keep doing it forever, okay?


No comments:

Post a Comment