December 08, 2017

fear is the heart of love



Four years ago, I got this Death Cab for Cutie lyric inked into my skin forever. Every single day, I uncover a little bit more of what it means to be vulnerable. I learn more about what it means to have intention behind your actions. Fear is the building block of love. It's in every decision leading up to a relationship: the will we or won't we? The "Do you like me? Do you really like me?" question that lingers on everyone's tongue but no one ever says out loud.

Vulnerability has always been a sore subject for me. Does anyone really enjoy having all of their insecurities and baggage on public display? It has taken me a long time to really accept that just because fear lives inside the decision-making process, doesn't mean it has to scare the daylights out of you.

Fear lives in the butterflies that have taken up permanent residence in your stomach at the beginning of a new relationship. Their wings caress and mingle like your fingers on your first date. Your eyes are alight with possibilities of things come, the prospect for a future that seems so far off in the distance. My teenage years were ripe with star-crossed loves, and every boy that was not right for me taught me something valuable about myself and the pieces I gave away to them.

In the throes of young love, I forgot that it's okay to be soft. The memory of being fifteen and heartbroken taught me to constantly build up my walls. Never lose those tender parts of yourself. Never let anyone diminish those times when you truly learned what it meant to love and lose someone and still go on living your life. There is power there. There is healing there. Listen to your emotions. Identify them and sit with them for a while. They will teach you more about the ways you need to be loved than any book ever could.

Eventually, with the wisdom and perspective only time and experience can bring, you learn not to give away all the pieces of yourself that you did in the beginning. You learn to hold back the parts of your brokenness that you don't like talking about. But one day, light will shine on the jagged edges of futures not meant to be, and the right person will fit their equally broken pieces beside yours. Together you will create a future you never imagined could be possible on your own.

Being vulnerable isn't always a horrible thing. It's not always confrontation and facing the big, scary things in your life like they don't scare you. Sometimes it's just letting down your walls and relearning how to be comfortable with people, forming connections and saying, "Hey, shit happens. Let's help each other move past it."

Fear is the Heart of Love.

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