3 years ago, Justin and I met in person for the first time. I will always cherish that first week we spent together because it was truly one of the best weeks of my life. Sometimes when I look at Justin, I still get that feeling of, "Wow, this person exists. He's right in front of me and he actually loves me." I will never take those feelings for granted ever again.
It has been 10 months since Justin found out I cheated on him. And every day it feels like an uphill battle in my head. Our relationship feels like it's so much stronger now, but sometimes that little voice gets in the back of my head and tells me, "You don't deserve this. You're a Grade A Terrible Person. You aren't worthy of someone that loves you like Justin does." There are days when I listen to that voice, when I hide in bed all day and refuse to show my face to the world. Lately I have been struggling, we have been struggling as a couple, because of a boy who likes to flirt with everyone that came back to work. Justin doesn't trust me again, and I have to once more learn how to deal with the repercussions of my actions.
We were supposed to get married today. I was going to put on a poofy (beautiful) white dress, and my dad was going to walk me down the aisle, and I was going to commit to this man who loves me for the rest of my life. But we are not ready. So we are taking another year to reconnect. We are taking another year to fix our relationship and ourselves, and I am learning that that is okay. Planning a wedding is serious and stressful business and it's okay to keep everything small. We will get there. I will get to wear my poofy white dress, and go meet Justin to commit to him forever.
It's all a process, healing ourselves and our relationship to get to this milestone in our forever.