October 08, 2015

it's been a long day


The last two days have been the hardest days of my life. It's been really hard for me to come to terms with the fact that I won't see her anymore. I won't get to hear her laugh, I won't get to see her smile, or hear her call for me in the middle of the night anymore. I'll never get to hug tight again, or give her a kiss on the cheek. I'll never see her stick her tongue out at me when she's being sassy. I'll never get a grandma-made chocolate chip cookie, or pumpkin pie ever again.

I am trying to store up my memories, file them deep in my heart to keep her close to me. I am trying so hard to not lose her. I miss her. I miss her, I miss her, I miss her. This afternoon, I went out to the cemetery to visit her. They left her casket spread by her headstone and I grabbed a few more flowers out of it to press when I get home later. I sat in the grass, criss-cross applesauce, and openly sobbed for 10 minutes. I touched the firetruck engraved into the stone that holds hers and my grandfather's lives and I blew them a kiss. I walked back to my car still sniffling, but I could feel her smiling at me from the clouds.

On Tuesday night, I cried the hardest when they took her casket out of the church and loaded it up in the hearse waiting outside. I think that was when it finally hit me: I am never going to see her again. I sobbed openly into my mom's chest, smeared lipstick all over her yellow shirt, while she told me, "It's okay, baby girl. It's okay." My dad watched me with sad eyes. Him and my grandma were really close, even after my parent's got divorced, and I know he worries about me too.

Yesterday we buried her. Family and friends all gathered at our churches cemetery, wandered around looking at all of our family who is buried there. I found my great grandmother's grave, my grandma's mom and my namesake. She was born 100 years before me, in a totally different world. She helped shape my grandma into the woman she became during my lifetime and I am 100% thankful for that. 

We had a party in my grandma's honor at the next door neighbor's house last night. Everyone sat around, ate my grandma's famous chicken wings, drank strong drinks, and reminisced about our time with her. We talked about Brewer's games, summers spent at the pool, holidays, and all of our traditions with her. I felt so light, so happy, remembering her with just a fraction of the people who loved her.

I miss my grandma more than I can put into words. This is the first time I've ever lost someone that I have been as close as I was with her. I am grieving hard right now, but I know she would be proud of me for feeling so much for her. 

I love you, Grandma. I miss you.

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