February 01, 2016

let's talk mental health

I am a walking, talking anxiety attack. 

Let me rephrase that: I am a fucking mess right now and I don't know how to make it stop. 

Two weeks ago, my abuser apologized for my sexual abuse over Facebook messenger. It started with a "Hey." An inconsequential, innocent greeting... Unless it's the first thing you say to somebody in at least 6 years of an understood, never-spoken contract: don't speak to each other unless you're at family things and you're expected to. 

"I am truly sorry for what happened. I'm not using it as an excuse, but I was fucked up back then and just not who I am now. I just wanted you to know I regret what happened."

Last week a fog cleared in my brain and I finally processed everything that happened. And then I didn't get out of bed for three days. And I stopped showering. And I sat in my car at work and cried, thinking "What The Fuck is wrong with me?" And then my anxiety kicked in. And now I'm trying to figure all this stuff out. 

When I was sixteen, after I had reported everything, I started going to therapy and worked through all my shit. I had health insurance and I got lucky because I found my therapist—truly, she was the perfect fit for me—on the first try. (Fun fact: my best friend and I both went to her when we were in high school!) She saved my life. 

Last night, I shoved down my anxiety for long enough to apply for health insurance so I can get my butt back in therapy to figure this stuff out. I'm looking for therapists in my area and all I can think about is "I hope I like them. I hope I feel like I can trust them." I'm scared of swinging around on a wrecking ball a la Miley Cyrus and breaking all the walls that I have been hiding behind for the last 10 years. 

I want to dive deeper than I did last time. I want to go deeper than the PTSD and my abuse story. I want to get to the root of my problems and maybe figure out if everything that has happened in my life the last ten years is really the product of my anxiety or just surrounding myself with mostly toxic people (a topic of many late night laying-in-bed-because-my-anxiety-won't-let-me-sleep moments). 

I'm inspired, so incredibly inspired, to get my shit together. And I can't wait to get started on this journey. 

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