July 26, 2016

chasing demons


On the left: it was the day after my twentieth birthday. I had proclaimed to the world that I had "hit my vulnerability wall" and as I stood in front of my bedroom window to take this picture, I shook uncontrollably and tried to blink back tears.

On the right: today. 4 years later. I got up early, drank coffee, took a shower, did my makeup in order to feel confident that today was going to be a GOOD DAY. Until I checked my tumblr and there was an anonymous message in my inbox that has sent me chasing after four year old demons and feeling ashamed of a part of myself that I wish didn't exist. 

How do you unlearn malicious coping mechanisms? How do you cope with the feelings of guilt and shame and self hatred because you let yourself be controlled and manipulated by someone for so long? How do you look back on your former self and not start picking apart your current life piece by piece from her POV until there's nothing left? How do you abandon the demons you thought you banished so long ago?

My anxious brain doesn't have any answers right now. Only more questions. 

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