August 22, 2016

magic monday


My dad's funeral is today. Everything finally started to feel real last night as all the Gutermuth clan rolled into the town that everyone grew up in and then abandoned for bigger and better dreams. My dad was the only one who stayed at home base, and now this trip back home has everyone strolling down good old memory lane. 

To be honest, I still feel lost. I cried last night on the way to the gas station with my mom. I keep thinking about when I was home for my birthday and he took me to see where he worked. We changed the steering wheel out on his Monte Carlo and I sat in the passenger seat handing him tools and asking him questions. "Dad, why does that go there? What does that part do?" It reminds me of being little and hanging out either at his shop or just in the garage with all of his friends. It reminds me of comfort and home all at once. 

You never know that the last time is gonna be the last time. The last time I talked to my dad was August 3. He had just had all of his top teeth pulled and was in some pain. I'm so happy that at the end of every phone call we always said "I love you." Every time I tried calling after that, his phone went straight to voicemail. 

Today I'm going to buy a new dress that I will only wear once. I'm going to do my eyebrows and put on waterproof mascara. I'm getting my hair cut! And I am going to do the hardest thing that I have ever done: say goodbye to my dad. I don't even know how to begin to emotionally prepare myself for that. I'm going to lean on my people, because I need them more than anything else right now. 

Padre, I love you so much. Thank you for everything. Thank you for watching over me and for bringing everyone together, even if it is only temporary. I miss you. 

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