September 01, 2016

all of a sudden

"Miserable at Best" by Mayday Parade just came on shuffle and within the first 10 seconds of the song, I was reduced to tears. All of the worst moments in my life, I have listened to this song for comfort, as a part of my safe space to cry and let my emotions out. 

All of a sudden I am fifteen and PTSD is ruining my life. One of my friends had it as her main MySpace song and then I started listening to Mayday Parade nonstop. It was the first song of theirs I memorized the lyrics to—and was my go to shower song for a good two years. 

All of a sudden I am sixteen and my first boyfriend of 2.5 years called it quits and got a new girlfriend twelve hours later. After the breakup, my friends came over for a girls night. We watched bad movies and ate junk food and when this song came on during our dance party, it was a race to get to my iPod fast enough before all of us burst into tears collectively. 

All of a sudden I am eighteen and in Savannah, miserable and homesick. I listened to this song over and over, late at night under my blankets and choked back tears so I wouldn't wake up my roommates. 

All of a sudden I am nineteen and twenty, being young and stupid and chasing people that didn't belong to me. This song was buried in my music library and was reserved for sad music playlists only. 

All of a sudden I am twenty-three and my grandma was hospitalized. Then we found out she had cancer. And then I went home to spend time with her and she passed away the day after I went home. Mayday Parade was all I listened to from August-December 2015. 

Now I am twenty-four and I lost my dad. And here I am, almost ten years later, and I'm still crying to the same sad song that I was in high school. There's something comforting about that almost. The music that hits you right in the heart is what you reach for when life throws big scary change (or anxiety) right in your face. It soothes you in a way nothing else can. 

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