October 28, 2016

an open letter to 2016

This year can fuck right the hell off now. 

Last night, the unthinkable happened. Justin's brother committed suicide. We are all grieving. The house is full of ghosts right now, Halloween decorations excluded. Screaming, angry, hurt ghosts. There's no escaping them. They're in the way Justin's dad, who usually never says anything to me, apologized last night when I was brushing my teeth and he needed to use the bathroom. They're in the broken screams coming unearthed from Justin's mom's usually quiet demeanor. They're in Justin's sister's eyes, swimming around in her normally bright irises. They're in the screams that came from deep in Justin's chest last night, echoing his pain and all of his deep unconditional love for his brother. 

I'm trying my hardest not to feel anything. Numbness is my only defense against feeling every bad emotion I've ever felt all over again in my grief. Ironically, I finally got things taken care of with my dad's estate yesterday. I ~adulted~ and got myself a bank account, paid off a debt, and argued with the agent at US Cellular because there was a problem with my bill. By the time I got home yesterday, I was an anxious mess and then Tammy came in the living room and said, "I haven't seen Kerry. I can't get into his room."

And then I was in overdrive. It was like when I'm at work and we're really busy and all I can focus on is "What needs to be done next?"

And now I'm trying to process. And breathe. I'm listening to Coffee with Chrachel to make me laugh in this horrible time. If you pray, please keep Justin's family in your prayers. They need all the good energy and love right now. 

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