long time no blog!

First things first, I said goodbye (for now; I still have to clean it out) to my Oldsmobile Alero today. My dad got it from an old roommate of his and fixed it up just for me. (And then continued to fix it for me every time something broke down. ;)) That car will always be special to me because of the fact that it came from my dad. But really, after five years & 110,000 miles, there's a reason it was nicknamed The POS. 

I went straight to the DMV today and magically, half an hour before closing, there wasn't a line. I had to fill out a couple of forms for the car, and then retake my license picture so I could update my address (3 years after I moved to Waupaca #oops). In my work shirt, no makeup, with my bangs plastered to my forehead, no less. I forked over $200 and walked out a happy Anna.

Also, today was the last day of my 4 day opening stretch and I have to close tomorrow night which means: HELLO SLEEP. 

Monday, I love you. Thank you for being one of the good ones. 

ten.

1. I actually yelled at my alarm this morning and made Justin push snooze for me. 
2. The return of pumpkin spice coffee made today a little sweeter. 
3. My dad passed a month ago today. (I'm trying not to think about it)
4. I wish Little Debbie Fall Party Cakes weren't seasonal.
5. I just started season 4 of Scandal. 
6. I just paid $4.99 for an app so I can blog on my phone because Google took the original Blogger app out of the the App Store. 
7. I'm thinking pasta for dinner tonight. 
8. If I tell myself tmrw is going to be a good day, it will be, right?
9. I miss my dad. 
10. Now I'm going back to Olivia & Fitz! 

currently, september edition

listening to A Day to Remember's new album on repeat

crying because McD's espresso machine was down this morning & I wanted hot coffee

enjoying this late summer morning light though!

cranking through the endless amount of paperwork for my dad's insurance and benefit plans

thinking about time and memory a lot, in terms of "Wow, how many more times am I going to remember this one particular moment from my childhood that feels like a lifetime ago already?" 

trying my hardest to cut soda & only drinking one cup of coffee a day

fighting off ghosts from my past that are wandering around in my head

dreaming of fall leaves and hoodie weather (it's still in the 60s most days so we're not quite there yet!)

watching Scandal by myself & Naruto: Shippuden with Justin

feeling everything and then nothing all at once, and most days, it's absolutely exhausting

wearing the necklace my family gave me at my dad's funeral every day

missing him constantly

wishing that Mercury would come out of retrograde ;)

researching dental insurance & dentists

"adulting" really well these days, despite how scary it is (take that, anxiety!)

hoping for a good rest of the week

front and center

If I have learned anything this week, it's that I take pictures to center myself. On Wednesday, midway to Burlington, Justin and I had to turn around because my car started shaking really badly and was making a squealing noise. We stopped at a McD's inside a gas station because we were hungry and I needed to put air in my tires. Instead of capital F-freaking out about getting home okay and having to find a new car, I took a deep breath and took pictures. 

Yesterday I was crabby after work. Leave it to the sun to fix that. Late summer sunlight is my favorite. Yesterday turned out to be a GOOD DAY. Got to work with my beans & after work we all went to McD's for coffee and then went to Good Will. I got a shirt, a Starbucks Christmas mug, a (new) set of tweezers, and This Side of Paradise by F. Scott Fitzgerald for $10. It was a good ending to a shaky week. 

surviving, trying to be thriving

I survived my first week back at work. I survived all the sympathetic looks from my coworkers and all my breakfast regulars telling me, "Oh Anna, I'm really sorry to hear about your father." I've had my good days and my bad days. I treasure the days where I can think about my dad and not start immediately breaking down. Other days, like when I washed some of the clothes that I took out of his closet for the first time? Not so much. 

The reality has finally set in. It's overwhelming to be in this situation. Everyone is so used to going home after a funeral and returning to their normal lives. You don't think about all of the stuff that you have to deal with when a loved one dies until you're thrown right into it without a life jacket. 

There's the endless amounts of paperwork and benefits and probate and bills on top of bills on top of bills. Thankfully, my only responsibility really right now is going through my dad's mail and sending it to my Uncle Bob, who is handling all of the paperwork for me. I'm fielding all the phone calls: to his work, with his landlords, and back and forth with his friends who are a) concerned about me and how I'm doing and b) helping me in any way they can. My mom has been packing up his apartment and letting me cry to her when missing my dad is just too much to bear. 

Today Justin and I are going down to Burlington to help move some things out of my dad's place. I feel like I'm "adulting" very well these days. I've been dealing with phone calls and sitting in voicemail jail all day today. I'm being strong for my dad. That's all I can really do right now. 

good memory, kid

My dad and I played this game every time we went out to eat. The check would come, he would look at it, and I would guess how much it came to. If I was right, he had to give me $5. It started at White Fox Den during Haylofter's cast parties/after show gatherings. The last time was at Oak Creek Diner in April. It's the little memories like that that I will always cherish.  

Today when Justin and I went to the store, he guessed how much money was in the cart. I threw and number out there too. (Neither of us were right. But I was closer.) It reminded me of my dad and made me smile today. 

all of a sudden

"Miserable at Best" by Mayday Parade just came on shuffle and within the first 10 seconds of the song, I was reduced to tears. All of the worst moments in my life, I have listened to this song for comfort, as a part of my safe space to cry and let my emotions out. 

All of a sudden I am fifteen and PTSD is ruining my life. One of my friends had it as her main MySpace song and then I started listening to Mayday Parade nonstop. It was the first song of theirs I memorized the lyrics to—and was my go to shower song for a good two years. 

All of a sudden I am sixteen and my first boyfriend of 2.5 years called it quits and got a new girlfriend twelve hours later. After the breakup, my friends came over for a girls night. We watched bad movies and ate junk food and when this song came on during our dance party, it was a race to get to my iPod fast enough before all of us burst into tears collectively. 

All of a sudden I am eighteen and in Savannah, miserable and homesick. I listened to this song over and over, late at night under my blankets and choked back tears so I wouldn't wake up my roommates. 

All of a sudden I am nineteen and twenty, being young and stupid and chasing people that didn't belong to me. This song was buried in my music library and was reserved for sad music playlists only. 

All of a sudden I am twenty-three and my grandma was hospitalized. Then we found out she had cancer. And then I went home to spend time with her and she passed away the day after I went home. Mayday Parade was all I listened to from August-December 2015. 

Now I am twenty-four and I lost my dad. And here I am, almost ten years later, and I'm still crying to the same sad song that I was in high school. There's something comforting about that almost. The music that hits you right in the heart is what you reach for when life throws big scary change (or anxiety) right in your face. It soothes you in a way nothing else can.