January 05, 2017

a healthy dose of fear

 

Today I... worked 8-3, took my night shower ridiculously early because it's FREAKIN' COLD OUT, and I found out that my mom definitely has to have back surgery, pending approval by her insurance for another MRI. I'm scared. 

I don't want something to go wrong and for my mom to end up a vegetable. I want her to be able to live her life and do all the things she loves to do again. Heaven forbid, if I lose her because of this, I'm not going to be okay. I hate that my brain immediately goes to the bad stuff. The what-ifs and the doubts and all the anxiety... some of it is healthy in a situation like this, I suppose, but not to the level where it knocks the wind out of you because you fear being an "orphan" more than anything. 

I just want my mom to be okay. I'm almost looking forward to it because it means I have an excuse to make a prolonged Burlington trip. I have to focus on that right now rather than the negative. 

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