January 20, 2017

music + memory

THREE CHEERS FOR FIVE YEARS (ACOUSTIC) 
 
  • Fifteen. May 2007. It was on Mayday Parade's MySpace page and I downloaded it from Limewire and listened to it non-stop for three months straight. (#sorrymom) It became the background to my depressive PTSD hazes. It gave me hope in a way that no other song did. It was my escape, my solace in a world that I would've much rather been without. 
MISERABLE AT BEST
 
  • Sixteen. July 2008. My first boyfriend and I had just broken up. I sent a post card to Frank Warren at PostSecret. It was my favorite picture of us, taken in the middle school auditorium before musical practice. "Frank," I wrote, "Keep this safe. Keep us safe. Protect my first love."
I WILL FOLLOW YOU INTO THE DARK
 
  • Seventeen. September 2009. My friend Chelsea made me some CD's for my car and shipped them to me from California. Track #7 on the Sadness CD was Ben Gibbard's sweet, sweet voice. "Fear is the heart is love" stood out to me. One of those lyrics that punches you right in the gut. It made sense to me.
HAVE FAITH IN ME
 
  • Eighteen. March 2011. My second and last ever set of college finals. Coffee fueled dance parties with Daniele, Valerie, Jordan, Catherine, and Katie. We sat on the floor in a circle with our laptops and external hard drives exchanging music for three hours instead of studying. Then we blasted this song to get the feeling back into our legs and got back to work.
SONGBIRD
 
  • Nineteen. May 2011. Glee did an episode covering Rumors and I fell in love with this song all over again. I stole my mom's CD and listened to it in my car for almost 6 months straight. I was so obsessed I changed my tumblr username to lyrics from this song and it's still the same almost six years later. 
MISERABLE AT BEST
 
  • Twenty. Spring 2012. Sobbing alone in my room over a boy who had promised to make room in his lonely heart for me and never followed through. My last memory of us is perfect kisses through my open car window, never to be seen or heard from again. Now he's just a closed chapter in the grand scheme of my life. 
I WILL FOLLOW YOU INTO THE DARK 
 
  • Twenty-one. December 2013. I am getting that very lyric inked into my skin forever, by my former boss's ex-husband with Justin's brother Kerry by my side. Through Cody, through Jared, through everything Julio put me through and beyond, one thing has always stood true: without fear, without vulnerability and softness, love would not exist. One of the biggest life lessons I have learned, right there in a Death Cab song. 
THREE CHEERS FOR FIVE YEARS (ACOUSTIC)
 
  • Twenty-two. January 2015. Justin had just found out I had cheated on him. After a particularly tense questioning, he came into my bedroom and found me sobbing on the floor in my closet, door closed and in complete darkness with this song blaring through my headphones. 
SONGBIRD 
 
  • Twenty-three. April 2015. Justin proposed the day after my birthday. "Hey babe, a package came in the mail for you. Why don't you come home on break and open it?" He watched me with a knowing look on his face as I pulled out the small ring box and of course I said yes. I still can't get Justin to agree to this being our first dance song, no matter how many times I play it for him. 
HAVE FAITH IN ME
 
  • Twenty-four. August 2016. This song streaming through my headphones, dancing alone in my backyard and not giving a damn what the neighbors thought. Three days after my dad died. "I said I'd never let you go and I never did./I said I'd never let you fall and I always meant it./Have faith in me." I found comfort in a song that had always brought me joy. Win-win. 

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