April 16, 2017

happy easter

He is Risen. 

And because of Him, I am saved by Grace. 

I am trying my hardest to cling to this thought today, on Easter. I have been surrounded by a heavy depression since Thanksgiving. (Remember when I watched the entirety of Gilmore Girls + the revival in a month?) I have been trying my hardest to "snap myself out of it" and all of my usual coping mechanisms have seemed to hit a wall. 

For the first time since I was in high school, I finally have a regular showering schedule that I have kept up with religiously for the last four and a half months. I have tried to do my laundry at least once a week, and I wash my sheets every two weeks. I am trying so hard to take care of myself and it still feels like I am taking one step forward and three steps back. 

I have finally broken down some of my communication walls that I have built up over the years to shield myself and my emotions from my loved ones. The biggest one being the wall that used to exist between me and Justin. I feel so free and open to communicate with him and me finally breaking down that wall has done wonders for our relationship. I feel close to him again, in a way that feels tender and real like we used to feel in the beginning of our relationship. 

We are trying to plan for our future. 

I have until May 4 to get new tires for my car because on May 5, I have to take Justin to the oral surgeon for a consult that we have been waiting for and waiting for and have already had to reschedule once. 

I am trying to tackle bits and pieces of my student loan debt. The Department of Education took my tax refunds this year and finally I can no longer ignore the pile of money that I took out to only pay for two thirds of a year in college. I'm still bitter about the US Education systems and the numerous ways the system has screwed me and a lot of my friends out of an education we were basically told we had to get in order to be successful (but that's a whole different blog post full of issues). It's time to put my emotions aside and do the responsible thing. 

Justin and I also want to buy a house in the next 5 years. Being financially responsible now and taking care of our debt will help us be able to accomplish that goal in the future. 

Despite having dreams and goals and deadlines for the future right now, I still wake up every morning with an anxious web around my heart and the desire to sleep for "just 10 more minutes" that often turns into another 2+ hours. I lament to Justin and say, "I wish I could remember what it feels like to wake up in the morning and not be sad." He rubs my back and tells me he loves me. He knows that the little things are important when life feels like this, and for that I am the most thankful. 

So I'll keep putting one foot in front of the other and getting out of bed every day. Baby steps are still progress. 

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