May 13, 2017

l e t i t g o

Washing your hair for the first time after you take a lot of it off is always the most surreal thing. I knew my hair wasn't going to be all there, long and tangly anymore once I was ready to rinse my shampoo out and yet I still expected it to be there anyway. 

Cutting my hair never fails to be an important life lesson on letting go. 

I have done so much letting go in the past nine months (since the last time I got my hair cut... an hour before my dad's funeral). Most importantly, I have been grieving and trying to accept the loss of my dad. I still have my days where missing him lays a huge weight on my heart. Those days I am extra gentle with myself—or I try to be, anyway. Grace is never turned away by those who welcome it into their lives. 

I have learned the importance of Asking for Help. I have slowly relearned how to rely on other people after ten years of tearing down and constantly reconstructing emotional walls to keep my insecurities and vulnerabilities tightly bottled inside. 

I lost a parent, but I have really gained an authentic version of myself. I have taught myself how to deal with the hard stuff—the moments we don't post to Instagram. The arguments we start with the people we love over nothing because we're too scared to identify and say out loud what we actually want. The nights you toss and turn in bed, trapped by an anxious brain playing leap frog from one thought to the next. The times you lock yourself in the bathroom just so you can cry for 5 freakin' minutes alone–and then get back out there and keep giving your grace back into the world because your people and your community need you too. 

The vulnerability you are terrified to let go of could mean the difference between you fighting your demons all day long because you refuse to let them go, or fighting off fits of laughter because your friends are hilarious and they will be there for you when you open up. Your fears will become someone else's grace. Your dark parts will be someone else's moment of clarity. The "Oh, you too? I thought I was the only one." that everyone needs in their lives when everything feels like it's falling apart is the best thing you can offer to somebody else. 

Take care of your community. They will help you to take care of yourself when you are stuck in the trenches of your suffering. And then step up to the plate and offer a hand when your community needs help too. 

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