December 31, 2014

2k14: a year in review

2014, you have been a killer year. 

I became a morning person this year. I learned to drink coffee and learned to enjoy the special hour every morning that I get all to myself with a cup of coffee and my camera. 

I have made so many things this year. I started painting with nothing more than cheap craft paint and a mile high stack of computer paper. I learned how to knit, both with my fingers and arms as well as needles. It feels like I have abandoned my camera sort of in search of these other creative avenues and I am learning that that is okay.

2014 was the year I got my gallbladder out. It was the year that I searched for answers with Unafraid by my side. And I found all the answers I needed to all the questions 2012 left me with. This last month especially has felt like a sucker punch right to the heart with all the answers toe questions I asked myself and all the hurt I have caused to other people and all the love that I have hollowed out of other people.

2014, you were a good year. The best year in terms of self care and loving myself, being creative, and finding all the magic in the mundane. But you have also hurt more than any other year. It's time to grow up and start taking responsibility for my own actions, and you've taught me that 2014. 

Thank you for all the highs and lows. 

December 29, 2014

pick me up love

Coffee will always be magic to me. It's the best hand warmer, the best thing to wake up to, the best part of my mornings. Coffee & taking pictures of it makes my soul happy. 

December 28, 2014

coming clean

Unafraid, you have taught me so much this year. You have taught me that I am allowed to hurt. You have taught me how to pull myself out of my darkest moments. You have taught me that I am strong enough to overcome all my bad days. 

I am so thankful for you. 

Because December has been the hardest month of my life. I have had to face some of the hardest things I think I have ever had to overcome—the effect that my actions have on other people. Specifically the people I love most in my love. The one person that is my forever love. 

I cheated on Justin with a guy that I had been seeing before Justin and I got together. Never in person, strictly through facebook & texting... But that still doesn't make it okay. I demonized the person I love the most to his family and friends, managed to make it so that he couldn't trust in himself or in me anymore. I pushed Justin away so hard and then blamed him for everything that went wrong in our relationship. I got caught in so many lies I couldn't tell what was real and what was fake. I have to atone for all of the mistakes I have made.  

I guess to really understand the story we have to go all the way back to early 2012... Rehash falling for one of my best friends & having him let me down again and again and again, and eventually using sex as a coping mechanism for my hurt. 

At the beginning of the year I was in love with my best friend. We sang "Take A Chance On Me" by ABBA to each other because it was our song. He always picked me up when I was down and I tried my hardest to do the same for him. We loved each other, we really did, just never at the same time. 

He always left when he got too afraid of his feelings for me. Just out of the blue, he would cut off all contact until he decided I was worth talking to again. So one day, in my pit of post-Jared depression, one of my friends said "Hey! You're single! You don't need him! Make a plenty of fish account!" So I did. 

And I have regretted that decision every day of my life since then. 

It was on plenty of fish that I met J, the boy that broke me worse than Cody ever did. The boy that manipulated me and kicked me down again and again and again. He used me for his own pleasures, tried to extort me for money, had me lying to my family & friends. It was because of him my friends had to stage an intervention and try to get me my life back in July of 2012. It was because of him I ran back to Jared again, scared and begging him to please save me from all this hurt from J which was a coping mechanism to deal with all the hurt that Jared had put in my heart in the first place. 

And once again Jared pushed me away. Though not after calling me one night, lonely at the end of July, drunk on vodka cranberries, and kissed me in a way that has come to define how I am able to kiss Justin now. I remember feeling so much hope. I wore the same shirt for five days straight because it smelled like Jared. I clung so hard to the hope that things would be different this time, because maybe those kisses meant as much to me as they did to him, and once again I found myself alone and empty with J breathing down my neck. 

Then I met Justin. And he promised he wasn't like all those other boys I had feelings for in the past. He wanted to save me from myself, from my demons, from all the bad things that constantly play on a loop inside my head. 

And with everything in me I tried to let him. I tried to open myself up completely to him, to let him know all my demons so we could work together to beat them. It's been a long and arduous process, one that I'm still working on every day. 

Somewhere my trust in Justin faltered. I couldn't let go of J like I had so willingly given up on Jared. I am not very skilled in the art of letting people go, and I continued to allow this manipulative, abusive, controlling boy take over my life. Behind Justin's back I would continue to talk to him, hurting Justin and our relationship more than I ever could have realized.

Once again I fell for the lies and the scare tactics, truly believing I needed him in my life because he was willing to fulfill my darkest fantasies. And then I would get sick of him and stop talking to him. And then I would start up again because I missed him. It felt like Cody all over again—the confusion because you're not supposed to miss him because of what he did to you... which then turns into self hatred because you know you're supposed to hate him and you don't.

Over the course of about a year and a half into my relationship with Justin, I continued to talk to J. We had Internet sex almost every day while I withdrew completely from Justin and our love. Another manipulation, another messed up coping mechanism, another crack in my foundation, which led to more and more lies and deceit and betrayal in my relationship. 

Unafraid, thank you for sticking with me this year. Because I truly don't know how I would have survived without you. After Justin found out, our world shattered. We're working things out. I'm working through my guilt and my trust issues and my inability to be vulnerable and open myself up to him. He's working on forgiveness, because he loves me and can't imagine life without me even though everyone has told him to kick me to the curb.

I have truly hurt everyone around me. I hurt Justin more than I could have ever possibly imagined. I also hurt his family because they love me too. I have damaged the trust of everyone around me, my friends, my coworkers, my own family. Slowly I'm working on regaining that trust back and working on taking the necessary steps within myself to make sure I never do something like this again. 

The life lessons Unafraid has taught me this year have been absolutely invaluable. I'm so thankful for everything I've learned this year, and it makes me excited to see what next year has in store for me. 

December 24, 2014

merry merry

Merry Christmas from my little family to yours. Have a good holiday guys, I'll be back next week to share my holidays & start year end wrap ups. 

December 11, 2014

the future freaks me out

I had a moment last night before going to bed where I looked at myself in the mirror and could almost see glimpses of what lies ahead. Tired eyes, hair that won't cooperate, comfy tshirt & sweats. It was like looking at myself a few years down the road, I thought "hey this is probably exactly what I'm going to look like as a mom." And as weird as it seems to think that, I'm okay with it. I'm beyond excited for the future, for love & marriage & a house & kids & everything--all the trials and tribulations and all the joy that comes with these things. Let's roll, adulthood. I love you. 

December 04, 2014

you're my best friend

Bubba. Bubs. Bubba-loo. My best friend since I was ten years old. I'm sorry I moved and haven't been there to play with you like a good sister should be. I'm sorry you're in so much pain right now, bubs. I'm sorry I cried when mom called me to say goodbye but it was all I could do. Losing you hurts too much baby boy. Losing you feels like my heart is shattering into a million tiny pieces. I'm so thankful I got to see you over thanksgiving and play with you and give you treats and snuggle with you on the floor one last time. Rest in peace, Bubba-loo. Your sissy misses you more than she can say. 

December 02, 2014

good day

Yesterday was a day for the books, friends. Nothing beats coffee & thrifting & yarn shopping, bumming around Walmart & looking for Christmas trees, and a failed trip to culver's because there was a bus in the parking lot. Even though it was cold (like wind chills in the below zero cold) I had so much fun. I'm grateful for adventure days with awesome friends. 

December 01, 2014

getting festive

It's that time of year again... It's cold, snowy, I'm humming Christmas carols to myself all the time, and I'm super thankful that I no longer work in retail. I restrung some lights in my room and am slowly making more handmade Christmas things to decorate our apartment with. Something about December just screams magic and I'm so excited for the holiday season.