2020: a year in review.

alternately titled: EMBRACE THE MESS.

Embrace the mess.

Messy hair, unbrushed and windblown.

Messy calendars, full of scribbles and the best laid plans.

Messy hearts, because we are all human and this year has been hard.

In order to get out of the mess, you need to embrace it. Give it a hug and don't let go. Whisper sweet words in its ear. Tell it what it has taught you, the lessons you have learned, and how much you are thankful for it.

When we embrace the mess, we're really embracing growth — one tiny joy, baby step, and little victory at a time.

*See past Year in Review posts: 2019, 2018, 2017, 2016, 2015, 2014, 2013, 2012

JANUARY 2020

2020 was the year that brought us 5 weeks of freakin' January. I started this year by picking JOYFUL as my One Little Word, not knowing how far it would take me this year. I conquered my anxiety and drove to Green Bay for the first of many sessions at Pamperin Park this year. I wore a lot of my Walk in Love t-shirts for a burst of positivity amongst all the gray and snow — and still found the heart to appreciate the beauty of icicles against wintery, snow covered trees. I started writing my business story, sharing my why and the behind the scenes look at how I got to where I am today with photography. I didn't know then that writing out my business story would be one of my greatest coping mechanisms of this year.

FEBRUARY 2020

I had an engagement session in downtown Waupaca where one of my awesome couples road tripped up to me, and I showed them around my small little town that feels a lot like Burlington in a lot of ways. My mom also came into town for a weekend and I showed her around Waupaca. Where the train cameras are that her boyfriend watches all the time, my favorite places like Little Fat Gretchen's and Aquamos. We road tripped to Stevens Point for more coffee and Wisconsin Rapids for matching mother/daughter tattoos! It was the perfect ending to a perfect weekend.

MARCH 2020

March started out normal, like any other month... and then came QUARANTINE and STAY AT HOME ORDERS and please, for the love of god, WEAR A FREAKING MASK. I got my 2019 taxes done and celebrated making money last year. I was heartbroken when the emails about wedding reschedules started pouring in from my couples — the wedding season that I had finally dreamed of having felt like it was swirling down the drain right before my eyes. My heart broke for all of my couples that had to reschedule and replan their entire wedding, but luckily we were able to work everything out that still allowed me to be their photographer on their new dates! (Silver linings, y'all.)

APRIL 2020

2020 was also the year that brought us the sequel to "Five weeks of January" called SURPRISE! YOU GET SIX MONTHS OF APRIL. (Honestly, we should have expected nothing less at this point.) I dove into writing to pass the time — in between writing informational posts for my website blog, I was also cranking out 11 parts of my business story that I was finally ready to start sharing with the world. For my birthday, I treated myself to an awesome pair of floral pants for wedding season. Justin and I finally started working on him getting his license, which meant taking him for a spin in empty parking lots. (I'm so proud of him.) At the end of the month, the state of Wisconsin ordered that photographers could get back to work again as long as social distancing guidelines were followed and I celebrated with a thirty-second dance party of epic proportions.

MAY 2020

May was a lot of scribbling in my calendar, scheduling engagement sessions, and wondering if they would actually be able to happen because of the severity of the pandemic. My inbox was full of subject lines relating to weddings and reschedules. I took my car in to get the brakes checked out and the mechanic told me that there was only a support beam holding my engine in my little Cavalier. I bit the bullet and bought a new (to me) car, a 2012 Chevy Malibu, off of Facebook Marketplace just in time for my photography season to really amp up for the year.

JUNE 2020

June was really something, let me tell ya. Photography season kicked into gear and suddenly, I was doing engagement sessions every weekend and getting to spend time getting to know my awesome 2020 and 2021 wedding couples. Everything was great until someone broke into my car and stole my purse while I was at an engagement session in Green Bay. My friends came to rescue me and we called it a great adventure. The weekend after that, after trying to get my stuff back and put my life back together and get my car back, we went to Emo Night and it was our way to blow off steam after being cooped up inside for the last 3 months. We did too many Jello shots, I drank too much Fireball, sing-screamed pop punk at the top of our lungs, and it was one of the best nights of 2020. A few weeks later, I masked up and photographed my first 2020 wedding and felt the best kind of joy that only comes from doing what you love with all of your heart and soul.

JULY 2020

July was all about wedding photos and planning my favorite event that I literally wait all year for — sunflower mini sessions. After doing double header engagement sessions almost all of June, it was nice to slow down and throw all of my focus and energy into wedding season. This was my first wedding season in two years where I was actually crazy busy. 2020 brought me 5 rescheduled weddings, but the rest of my couples found a way to make it work to still have their dream weddings this year and it was beyond awesome to be able to celebrate with them. Maddie and I went swimming and went to Scoopers for ice cream for the perfect summer adventure. Justin started a new job at Pick n Save working third shift and my coffee consumption was upped considerably.

AUGUST 2020

In August, I threw myself into editing so that I could be caught up in time for busy season to start in September. I had two wedding albums to make, another wedding to edit, plus two sunflower sessions to deliver. There were a lot of thirty-second dance parties to make it through my work day, plus all the coffee to get me through early wake ups and so much time in front of my computer screen. At the end of the month, before Abby left me to go to college, we finally made one of my photography bucket list items come true — sparkler photos. I started planning for fall mini sessions and jammed out to a lot of Mayday Parade and Paramore, my old standbys.

SEPTEMBER 2020\

Two words - Busy. Season. September was the first month where my calendar was basically all weddings and then me trying to get caught up during the week. I made trips to Wisconsin Rapids, Green Bay, and Oshkosh... and then on my way home from my wedding in Oshkosh, the alternator in my car crapped out. As soon as I got on the freeway to come home that night, the dashboard in my car lit up like a Christmas tree and I white knuckled my steering wheel the entire 45 minute drive home. I pushed fall mini sessions so hard and I was so excited even though I only ended up taking photos of my friends instead.

OCTOBER 2020

October was Busy Season, Act II. Started off with a rapid COVID test, followed by my 18-month blasto checkup that was rescheduled in the middle of all the craziness in June. All my scans and tests came back negative, and I thanked the Academy for the honor. 😉And because life has to throw us a curveball when things are otherwise going good, I blew a tire on my way home from my first October wedding in Green Bay. I did everything right — pulled into a gas station, called my roadside assistance, asked for a tow truck, only for them to call me back 45 minutes later to tell me that no tow truck within a 20 mile radius was available to come help me change my tire. Thanks to the kindness of one gas station attendant and three guys who just happened to stop that knew the owner of the garage that was attached, they helped me get my tire changed and my donut on and I drove the rest of the way home with my hazards on and my anxiety through the roof. I finished my 2020 wedding season strong but shaken.

NOVEMBER 2020

November was me chained to my computer, editing away on the last of my 2020 weddings and finishing up albums and keepsake boxes, oh-my! It was also dark and early mornings going to get Justin from work, lots of coffee and middle of the day naps. I went thrifting to inspire a big goal for next year — get our own place again. We have been working toward it ever since and I am so proud of the progress we have made. Cristin and I got coffee on one of the last warm t-shirt days this year. Noelle and I spent 2.5 hours on video chat one night like we are still in high school and nothing has ever changed. I shopped small for Christmas presents, and we had a low key Thanksgiving this year thanks to the pandemic.

DECEMBER 2020

We learned how to pivot in December. I started a new job in the deli at Pick N Save, hated it, had an ~emergency therapy appointment~ because I was distraught over what to do. Spoiler alert, I am back at Hardees for the time being and loving spending time with all of my work friends again. It is just like riding a bike and feels like I never left. I am not giving up on my photography dreams — this is only temporary, as my therapist likes to remind me. Trying to take everything day by day right now. I am thankful for the little things and all the joy that this year has brought me. But honestly? I am also more than ready to say goodbye to 2020 and welcome 2021 with open arms.

2019: a year in review

JANUARY 2019

This year started off with a sense of freedom in that I no longer had a two foot long IV coming out of my arm. I was still in the beginning stages of my recovery from blastomycosis that started with choking down little pink and blue pills twice a day, plus a lab poke every three weeks. The silver lining was getting up at the butt crack of dawn and getting to see some sunrise magic in the sky... plus treating myself to McDonald's breakfast after getting poked in the arm. ;) I dyed my hair and got new glasses because I was in crisis mode and didn't feel like myself in my own body anymore. I chose "MOVE" as my One Little Word for the year and started every morning with a Thirty-Second Dance Party for good measure. I did a giveaway for a free wedding album to try and get more eyes on my business, but all it really did was get me a lot of likes on an IG post. You win some, you lose some I guess! Noelle and Josh found out they were having another baby boy so I got to work on a sweet baby blanket for them as a baby shower present.

FEBRUARY 2019

It snowed. And snowed and snowed and snowed some more. I vowed on Instagram to go out and play in the snow, and of course I had to make good on my promise. I've always been a sucker for snowflakes in my hair. It reminds me of being little and feeling the magic that comes every time it snows. Everything gets quiet and all you can hear is your breathing and the crunch of snow beneath your feet and it's almost like getting lost inside of your own little world for a moment. And what a sweet moment it was. I did a giveaway for a free session on Facebook so I would be excited about taking pictures again during the dead of winter, and I was literally counting down the days until Spring and busy season would be in full swing again.

MARCH 2019

I drank a lot of coffee. I watched a lot of TV. I anxiously counted down the days until April, when wedding season started and I had my first check up with my pulmonologist in Weston. Trying to schedule my appointment and CT scan was a nightmare and also the reason I had like six different numbers for these people in my phone. Every time I called, I was told "Someone will call you back to schedule" and nobody ever did. I learned to be a little bit aggressive after I got frustrated enough to deal with these people. I colored a lot to try and tame my anxiety and calm the rage. Grey's Anatomy broke me and I started watching America's Next Top Model for something to take my mind off of everything. I had a session with Starr and her pup David at the end of the month and took Abby's prom pictures shortly after.

APRIL 2019

April felt like a new beginning. I got that itch for change again and ten days before my birthday found myself at the hair salon making a considerable chop to my hair for a new year. Busy season started and all of a sudden that rush that only comes from doing what you love filled my heart in the very best of ways. I shot my first wedding of the year on April 6 and from there it was maternity pictures and birthday celebrations and an ER visit for blasto pain, plus my first CT and check up with my pulmonologist since being discharged from the hospital last December. The mass that was in my lung was completely gone, but my CT showed a little pocket of fluid around my lung still. My doctor reassured me that my medication would resolve it. I set a goal to break out my big camera and turn it on myself once a month for my Currently posts. I found my footing again in this whole "working for myself" gig and just felt so grateful for this little life I have built for myself.

MAY 2019

May started with a day trip to Burlington to celebrate my best friend in the whole entire world and baby Ollie at her baby shower. I got to spend quality time with some of the people I love most, and set up a few sessions for my next trip to Burlington at the end of the month. The weekend after Noelle's baby shower was my second annual Spring Portrait Day event with Next Stop Kids Shop. The grove of cherry blossom trees I always stalk like a mad woman this time of year finally bloomed after Mother's Day and I ran around in the magic with my tripod for some self-portrait therapy. I spent Memorial Day Weekend in Burlington, avoiding Chocolate Fest like the plague. The real reason for me making a trip home was to photograph baby Oliver's newborn photos, and I did two more family sessions as well. May was so full of love and light and good things.

JUNE 2019

I got my first photography referral from Instagram! This was a pretty big deal for me after investing in Jenna Kutcher's Instagram Lab course last year. I went to Oshkosh for an engagement session and got caught in a freak rainstorm on my way back to Waupaca. Work-wise, I also photographed Abby's senior pictures and had my annual session with the Lasky's to document Emmet's birthday photos. I celebrated one full year of working for myself. We bought a tiny grill to use on the deck, which also meant Justin was grilling in the mornings before his parents got home from work, haha. I made another trip to the ER for pain that just turned out to be my blastomycosis. I booked my first 2020 wedding! And celebrated summer with microwave s'mores.

JULY 2019

I tried to make my IG feed more cohesive, sticking to a color scheme of mostly blue, green, yellow, and brown. That pretty much went out the window after a couple of weeks, but it was nice to try it for a little while haha. I shared my first wedding of the year over on my other blog and it actually became my most viewed post of 2019! I'm always shocked when stuff like that happens, for whatever reason. I photographed an extended family session at Brainard's at the beginning of the month, and started planning a Burlington trip for my favorite thing: sunflower season. I embraced no makeup days, messy hair, and nervous means do it. We had a freak thunderstorm/tornado that knocked out our power for an entire Saturday. My trip to Burlington also included breakfast with my aunt and uncle, best friend time, and a trip to East Troy and Elkhorn to hang out with Bryce... honestly, all the things the best weekends are made of.

AUGUST 2019

I started August with probably my best impulse purchase all year... a set of tiny hands that I pull out during photoshoots haha! I met up with one of my Instagram friends in real life and we made coffee dates a regular thing now! I had the honor of photographing a 50th anniversary party and four generations of one of the sweetest families. August is always hard for me because of the anniversary of my dad's death falling right in the middle of it. I planned Burlington trips and fun stuff like a trip to the county fair in between the death anniversary and doctor's appointments and CT scans and lab pokes. Honestly, this is the year I got used to having my blood taken on a regular basis and didn't freak out at the doctor anymore. Hit up the fair with Abby, per tradition, and we walked around taking pictures and drinking lemonade. I had a family session with big kids after the fair and it was so much fun! Rounded out August with another trip to Burlington so I could photograph a vow renewal on Lake Geneva over Labor Day Weekend, and it really was the sweetest way to end summer.

SEPTEMBER 2019

September was all about engagement sessions! And planning the craziness that October always brings with it. I was so excited to break out my fall wardrobe and open the books for Fall Mini Sessions in October. (Did I mention October was going to be crazy?) We celebrated my nephew starting 4K, his first year of school. This girl had a dentist appointment and treated herself to coffee afterward. I celebrated that the leaves were starting to change... but also refused to stop wearing sandals until it was actually cold enough to wear socks. I booked up my Burlington mini sessions and my mind was BLOWN. Sometimes I still can't believe that this is my life. I had an engagement session at the Green Bay Botanical Gardens and 10/10, would absolutely shoot there again. I also did an engagement session at Brainard's right as the leaves started changing and it was magical. I celebrated hitting my personal wedding booking goal for 2020! ...By treating myself to a Rachel Allene mug and sweatshirt. (I. Love. Her. Stuff. Ok.) While I was at Walgreens waiting for my blasto meds to be refilled, something sparked a moment of bravery in me. I decided it was finally time to do the thing I had been dreaming about for the last five years: go back to therapy. I got a recommendation from my primary doctor and made an appointment for October.

OCTOBER 2019

October... Crazy, crazy month. Justin and I celebrated his birthday by taking a little vacation to Appleton. We tried king crab for the first time after binge-watching six seasons of Deadliest Catch. Verdict: It was pretty good. After we came home from Justin's birthday celebrations, I was off and running, diving head first into busy season. Mini sessions and engagement sessions and a wedding consult, oh my. Plus, the very thing I love getting every year (without fail) to round out busy season... A cold! That turned into bronchitis! That turned into me rushing to my doctor two days before my last wedding of 2019 to give me anything that wouldn't leave me a hacking mess during their ceremony. One nebulizer treatment plus a prescription for an inhaler later, I loaded up on DayQuil and Mucinex and headed to Burlington before road tripping to Chicago with my mom to see my middle school best friend get married. We stayed in one of the oldest homes in Lincoln Park and checked out our AirBnB owner's pizza place. Brittany's wedding was beautiful and the best way to round out busy season.

NOVEMBER 2019

November felt like renewal. I celebrated my OG 365 project from 2010 by going out and taking self-portraits on the anniversary of day 365. I confronted some big things in therapy and that felt like a big step in and of itself. I thought November was gonna be a nice change of pace from October and then I blinked and had sessions almost every weekend PLUS a major holiday to celebrate. Something felt different about my sessions this month... I felt like I was in my element again. For the first time since I moved away from Burlington and away from all my friends and willing models, I was still just doing my thing and took a moment after an engagement session to sit in my car and celebrate that feeling. To counteract that, and Mercury in retrograde always has to screw something up, I found out that I no longer had a pulmonologist! My primary doc set me up with a new one and my appointment with him brought the best news: this girl is OFFICIALLY BLASTO FREE! (*cue all the party popper emojis!*)

DECEMBER 2019

December has been a whirlwind. One year ago, I was laying in a hospital bed literally dreaming of everything that's happened this year. Sometimes I still have to pinch myself to really believe that this is my life now and I'm not dreaming. December has been a lot of putting my head down and working on a business plan for next year... I have some lofty goals to reach and I think I have a plan (somewhat) on how to obtain and reach those goals. I did a lot of work in therapy this month... A lot of taking notes and repeating to myself, "Asking for the things you want does not make you selfish." Other than that, I can 100% say that I still hate wrapping Christmas presents, and Christmas lights bring me so much joy this time of year.

2019, you have absolutely been a dream come true for me. 2020, show us what you got!

2018: a year in review

JANUARY 2018

Hold fast to your pockets of joy. I scribbled that line down one January morning, determined to find the magic in my endless string of monotonous days. I booked my first wedding of the year for May, and began my collaboration with Next Stop Kids Shop in Waupaca for their Spring Portrait Day Event. I could feel the beginning of something starting. Change was in the air but I didn't yet realize that all I had to do was jump out of my comfort zone to make something happen. I picked INTENT as my One Little Word this year, as an attempt to be more in the present and pick where I was spending my time and energy wisely. I started knitting a blanket from the same yarn that made a twisted cowl of mine in 2015. I upgraded my iPhone from the 6s to the 8+ and marveled over portrait mode (and mourned the loss of the headphone jack).

FEBRUARY 2018

McDonald's closed for renovations at the beginning of the month, which meant I basically turned into a fast-food zombie that permanently smelled like stale french fries and Hardee's grease. Combine that with winter's below-zero freezes and snow/ice storms and you had one depressed Anna. I celebrated the days I managed to drag myself out of bed at all. I boycotted doing anything but going to work and coming home and collapsing from mental and physical exhaustion. Justin and I watched a lot of documentaries. One day I got an email from eShakti and got my -ish together enough to photograph myself in one of their amazing dresses. I took pictures of tulips at the grocery store and started a countdown toward Spring and Daylight Savings to bring back some joy into my life.

MARCH 2018

I danced it out. A lot. All the work-related stress kept piling up. My life felt like it permanently belonged to Hardee's. I normally have a pretty good handle on my stress-related outbursts, but the added stress of McDonald's usual customers coming to Hardee's broke me and I more or less took it out on my co-workers and begged my bosses to listen to us. All I wanted was for my voice to be heard—"No more six day work weeks, you're killing everyone on second shift!" And let's not forget the night that I went on break to discover a flesh-light (YEAH, one of those!) stuck to the antenna on my car. My desire to take photography full-time again bubbled to the surface and I knew I had a concrete goal to work toward. Justin and I were dreaming about quitting Hardee's and moving out of Waupaca entirely. I was basically running on coffee and dance parties to keep myself sane. My portrait event with Next Stop Kids Shop on St. Patrick's Day went pretty good. Only three people showed up, but I was just so happy that 1) I wasn't spending a Saturday at Hardee's, and 2) I was taking pictures. Nothing else mattered. We rounded out March with a bout of the stomach flu. Not exactly the greatest ending to a not-so-great month overall.

APRIL 2018

I took prom pictures for one of my co-workers on a chilly Saturday morning. I took a walk around the backyard with my coffee almost every morning for my 365 picture. I finished another 365 project. Sometimes I still can't believe I took a picture every day for a year again. The weekend of my birthday, we got 30 inches of snow. IN APRIL. I started a 52 weeks project just like I did in 2011, determined to at least use my camera once a week but the ultimate goal was a self-portrait. Other than that, my birthday was pretty chill—mine and Justin's butts on the couch, Naruto: Shippuden, and eating pizza per tradition. Starr and I took pictures at the end of the month after all the snow had melted and it was warm enough to run around in a t-shirt again. I anxiously counted down to my first of three weddings in 2018.

MAY 2018

May was quite the month. I shot my first wedding in six years and didn't die. It all came back to me—the rush of capturing this day that you'll always remember but would never quite be able to recreate. I'm determined to do more of that in 2019. Eric, one of my Hardee's co-workers, and his fiancee Heather were the best. I can never tell them thank you enough times for going out on a limb and hiring me. The rest of the month was spent behind my laptop working on their pictures when I wasn't at work or going for my daily morning walk around the backyard. I did manage to squeeze in a trip to Burlington though to help Noelle with last minute wedding details over Adrian's. Hannah Brencher's new book Come Matter Here came out and I brought it to the laundromat to read every week once I got it. Toward the end of the month, I realized that although McDonald's was scheduled to open at the beginning of June, I was basically going to be working six days a week between Hardee's and my photo business. I knew one of them was going to get pushed aside sooner or later due to burnout and lack of interest.

JUNE 2018

I had my second wedding of 2018 on June 9 for one of my friends that used to work at Hardee's with me. I cried from behind my camera as she walked down the aisle and felt so honored to be able to capture her special day. And then during family photos, after the ceremony, my camera flashed an ERROR 99 message at me and died. RIP to my little Canon XSi. That night, I freaked out and tried like hell to get their ceremony photos off my chipped memory card so I could give them something. I also upgraded my camera to a Canon 6D Mark II and then quit my day job the very next day. (Say what? I'm crazy? Yes, I know.) Quitting Hardee's was a long time coming. The very last full shift I worked, a rainbow appeared at sunset. If that wasn't a sign, I don't know what is. I couldn't believe I was finally going to take the plunge to work for myself. The weekend after that was Noelle's wedding that I was in instead of photographing, and we had so much fun despite the heat index being like 107*. I got to give a toast before dinner and managed to fit 3 inside jokes, and 2 references to Grey's Anatomy: "You're my person" and the famous Mer-Der Post It Note Vows. When I got home, I got serious about setting a work schedule for myself and building a new routine. I built myself a website, got myself some business cards made up, and I was ready to go. 

JULY 2018

Honestly, I spent a lot of time the first half of the month catching up on Noah Centineo movies on Netflix. My dad's 60th birthday would have been July 16, and I spent half the day wallowing in sadness over his loss and the other half taking pictures for self-portrait therapy in golden hour sunlight. My dad never lived by anyone's rules except his own, and it was so therapeutic for me to be doing something I love just like he would have done. I also picked up that blanket I started knitting back in January again to knit the sadness and loss away. I took a trip to Burlington at the end of the month to meet with my last wedding couple of the year, and photograph an old friend and her baby. I was taking my normal drive around town to see what's changed and what hasn't and found a sunflower field on the side of the road. Oak Rest Farms, you da best for offering this beautiful field to the community to take pictures in.

AUGUST 2018

I spent the beginning of the month breaking down walls, asking myself, "What happens if we unwrap the trauma scars we all wear as women and let them breathe?" And then spent the morning rolling around on the floor, getting used to the way my own body felt beneath me. Taking back ownership of the very thing that was used against you is one of the most empowering parts of moving through trauma recovery. A few days later, I had a maternity session with an old friend from high school and was reminded of how good it feels to catch up with old friends. We went for lunch at Little Fat Gretchen's, aka where I take everyone who comes to visit me in Waupaca because it's so cute. I spent the two-year anniversary of my dad's death in Burlington again, but this year it was to shoot my last wedding of the year in Kenosha. My mom was in the middle of renovating her kitchen so I stayed in a hotel a couple blocks away from their reception venue. I went to the Brat Stop for dinner the night before the wedding and marveled at the sunset from their parking lot. One of my favorite moments from that wedding was when everyone was standing at the head table while "Shut Up and Dance" was playing, so I made everyone dance for pictures and got all of their guests cheering for them. Justin and I celebrated 6 years together, and our anniversary weekend is always made special because the fair comes to town. I went twice this year—once with Tammy, Cora and Hayden to see all the animals, and then went back later that night with Abby so we could take pictures of the lights and watch the sunset. August was pretty much the best.

SEPTEMBER 2018

And then came September, when the trauma monster came back in full force. I hosted a fall picture day event with Next Stop Kids Shop after how well the spring event went, but this time NO ONE bought tickets. My Instagram feed turned into an #annalovesmornings gallery while I spiraled in imposter syndrome. "If nobody wants pictures for TWENTY DOLLARS, who is going to pay me for their wedding?" I coped by taking self-portraits through pretty lace and window light. I found solace in quiet time spent goal setting in my planner and made the decision to start investing in my education again. I took a bunch of free webinars on how to find your ideal client, how to up your social media presence, and joined a Facebook group about ditching the digital files and finding a print lab. My pretty, glittery Pink Skies Up Ahead phone case leaked in my pocket and gave me a chemical burn on my leg which resulted in an ER visit and some pretty angry emails to ban.do. My friend Becca had her baby and we did newborn pictures inside Next Stop Kids Shop. I got a chase more sunsets hat to inspire me and inject joy into the days when it was all I could do to get out of bed at all.

OCTOBER 2018

In October, I really decided to put money into my education. I invested in Jenna Kutcher's course, The Instagram Lab, and I invested in a Jenni Maroney course called Money Maker that came with 3 video chat mentoring sessions. I was so excited to get started and see if I could really make a go at this since I had entered my "slow season" once the weather started getting cooler. Justin turned 32. Abby and I took pictures together on one of the last warm days. I did fall mini sessions in Burlington, which I had to reschedule because the weekend I was supposed to down originally, I got the flu. It was 40 degrees and everyone was chilly, but the final products turned out pretty good. My trip to Burlington also included getting to see my mom's new kitchen for the first time, and a trip to the Garden Center to make dried flower paperweights! (I also came home with a chest cold.) My fall mini sessions were the first ones I started offering prints with instead of just digital files. I got giant welcome packs with sample paper types and started trying to figure out ROES. I dove into my online classes and tried to use my One Little Word for this year (Intent) to help me build this business in a smart way.

NOVEMBER 2018

I started Christmas shopping with plans to go home and see my family for Thanksgiving-Christmas since it was my year to spend Christmas with Justin's family. I started my series of mentoring calls with Jenni Maroney. We fixed my mess of a website, and she made me set a goal of booking fifteen weddings for next year to meet my salary goals. (I am currently at two.) I made a doctor's appointment when that chest cold I thought I had just wouldn't go away. I was feverish and my ribs and my shoulder hurt. I started coughing up blood-tinged phlegm and I knew something was wrong. She had me get a chest x-ray, diagnosed me with community acquired pneumonia, prescribed a round of antibiotics, and we made a follow-up appointment for three weeks later to see how I was doing. This was the Monday before Thanksgiving. I ended up staying in Waupaca for Thanksgiving and FaceTiming with my family instead because I just felt really sick even after starting my antibiotics. It was fun though: we ate pie with breakfast (kind of seems like a no-brainer), and I sat at the kitchen table with my coloring books and giant pack of gel pens with Cora and Tammy. Low-key holidays are my favorite.

DECEMBER 2018

We set everything up for Christmas on December 2. I took Christmas light pictures to celebrate. On December 3, I coughed up blood when I woke up that morning and had been doing the same thing before going to bed the night before. I called my doctor to see if they could get me in any earlier and they said no and transferred me to a triage nurse. The nurse told me to get to the ER ASAP. Justin called his mom out of work to take me to Steven's Point where I got a CT scan and was told, "You have a mass in your lung and there's fluid surrounding your lung. We want to do a bronchoscopy, but don't have the technology to do it here so we're transferring you to Wausau!" Into the ambulance I went. I had my bronchoscopy done the next day where they took biopsies of my lymph nodes to make sure I didn't have cancer. They weren't able to get through the mass to get their sample so the next day I had a guided biopsy done where they numbed my ribs and went in through there with a giant needle to get their sample. After that my ribs got numbed again so they could stick another needle in me to drain the fluid from around my lung. On Thursday, they diagnosed me with blastomycosis and said that if I had waited very much longer to come in it would have killed me. I started IV anti-fungal meds, and they gave me a PICC line IV instead of a normal one so I could do infusions and have blood at home for two weeks. They sprang me free on Friday and I had a follow up appointment two weeks after that to get my IV out and so they could run my labs again. Now I'm on anti-fungal meds for an entire year and get to have CT scans taken every 4 months until the infection is gone. I made homemade Chex Mix for Christmas this year, and Justin and I had pizza for dinner in lieu of going to his grandma's house for Christmas dinner. We all opened presents in our pajamas and everyone got me coloring books this year! I've spent the last week dreaming big and working down to set my goals 2019 and picking my One Little Word for next year. 

Overall, 2018, you were pretty great with the exceptions of all my hospital bills. I transformed this year. It's been six months and I can still confidently say that getting out of fast food and diving into my business was the best decision I made this year. I had twenty sessions in 2018—three weddings, eight families (some were repeat clients!), and a handful of shoots with Abby and my other friends. I love the images I've been able to create this year, the trips I got to take, and all the fun I've had this year. The pockets of joy are way more frequent now than they were in January, or maybe they just feel that way because I'm not stressed to the max anymore and suffering from extreme burnout. I'm so thankful for everything this year has brought, even the blastomycosis—it forced me to relax and rest and take time off from thinking about work all the time. But also, I'm so excited to get better. ;)

Cheers, 2018. Show us what you're made of, 2019!

2017: a year in review

JANUARY 2017

I started 2017 by hitting the curb so hard when I pulled up to the gas pump that I got a flat tire, and got a valuable lesson in grief management: just because you aren't prepared to deal with it doesn't mean that it's going to go away. January brought the 5 month anniversary of my dad's passing. Then we found out that my mom was for sure going to have surgery done this year, and my anxiety kicked into high gear. I spent a lot of time thinking about the fickleness of memory and how beautiful the bonds of real, unconditional love between two people can be. I was watching Parenthood and read Lauren Graham's memoir, Talking as Fast as I Can. I took pictures of flowers at the grocery store and spent a lot of time listening to the same music I did in high school. The Booky Cat died on January 24. I took hb.'s #cravingseries class on faith in January and resolved to dive a little deeper into my relationship with God. I chose CARE as my One Little Word for the year and tried to give myself a pep talk whenever grief threatened to overwhelm my heart.

FEBRUARY 2017

February will always go down in history as the month I made my coworkers listen to classic Britney Spears hits while closing. It was cold, and Justin and I had a love affair with chocolate pudding and watching Naruto from the very beginning. Every day the sun came out made me ridiculously happy.

MARCH 2017

March started with a Burlington trip for my mom's neck surgery. She had 3 broken discs taken out of her spine and replaced with metal plating. I was an anxious mess for the entire trip and heard my dad's promise of "Everything will be fine" ringing in my ears while pacing the surgical waiting room floor. My biggest accomplishment in March was hauling my giant box of death paperwork down to H&R Block and sorting through every single paper until there was nothing left... and then filing 6 years of back taxes and having more than one anxiety attack in my tax prepper's cubicle. (Julie, you rock my socks off. Seriously. THANK YOU.) Iced coffee and a walk around the lake was always my act of self-care after the headache that always comes with tax time. Betty, my old Adrian's boss, passed away in March, and I still think of her every day. A flashback to ten-year-old trauma knocked the wind out of me and taught me how important it is to work through your fears instead of around them.

APRIL 2017

I turned TWENTY-FIVE this year. The blog also turned SIX! Justin and I celebrated 4 years of living together. April brought back Deadliest Catch for the year, so we celebrated with pizza and Justin's salmon-mashed-potato-concoction. Once the ground finally thawed, we buried the Booky Cat in the backyard and planted a cherry tree to mark his grave. New beginnings are worth celebrating, even if it's only letting go of the past. I spent a lot of time in my head, thinking about stars and magic and that flighty temptress, inspiration. I started my 25 book, a new 365 project, and finally started selling some of my dad's things. I had a job interview and sold my dad's Monte Carlo on the same day. One of those things ended up working out better than the other (i.e., I'm still employed at Hardee's), but both things taught me important lessons about taking chances and letting go.

MAY 2017

In May, we finally got the ball rolling again for Justin's teeth extractions. We had our first consult with his oral surgeon. I spent one glorious afternoon in the sun, taking thousands of pictures of pink trees and pretty light. I got my hair cut! An impulse decision for sure, but I loved my short hair, and I think it's going to make a repeat appearance whenever I get my hair cut next. I made my first big electronic purchase of my life: a shiny rose gold Macbook. Buying that felt like a step in the right direction, like I was actually investing in my future and in my dreams of opening my own photography business again. I started taking walks around the yard every morning, drinking coffee and listening to music and taking pictures for my #annalovesmornings series and my 365. I felt overwhelmed by grief. Missing my grandma, I started toying with ideas for a memorial tattoo. I wrote about hazel eyes staring into brown from across cafeteria lines, confronting old demons that I thought I put to rest a long time ago. Time has a way of doing that, though: making your past come back to haunt you.

JUNE 2017

June started with me crying in traffic because I missed my dad. I went to the bank to deposit a check that was made out to his estate, and the teller looked me dead in the eye and said, "I'm so sorry for the loss of your father." I knew she meant well, but that small comfort was enough to reduce me to tears. Grief doesn't care where you are or who you're with or what you're doing. When it hits you, it forces you to show up for it whether you are ready or not. I read Dani Shapiro's memoir Devotion after hearing her on an episode of The One You Feed. June brought the first Father's Day without my dad. All of the hard, one-year anniversaries started sneaking up on me: a year since he told me he had cancer, a year since the last time I ever saw him alive. Retail therapy was my coping method for my grief, which resulted in me actually being able to take pictures with my big camera again. Feeling that rush of inspiration and energy while shooting brought me back to being 18, 19, and 20 and running around the boat launch with my friends and clients. I spent some time at Shopko as an act of self-care. Flowers and color always make me feel better when I'm depressed.

JULY 2017

I started listening to podcasts on a regular basis again. Coffee with Chrachel remains the one I listen to most frequently, but I also started listening to a few new ones: The One You Feed, Dear Sugars, The Coffee + Crumbs Podcast. I took a lot of selfies and felt like I had an identity crisis. Those would be the growing pains of taking in hard anniversaries. Morning sunlight casting tree shadows across the garage always made me stop and appreciate the beauty of summer for a moment. I started reading A Million Little Ways: Uncover the Art You Were Made to Live by Emily P. Freeman. Burlington declared a state of emergency after heavy rains and thunderstorms caused the Fox and White Rivers to flood the small little town I used to call home. I prayed for community and togetherness and light to surround my hometown, and watched all of the town updates on Facebook. We finally started extracting Justin's teeth! I spent my dad's birthday photographing a sweet family with a story that is very near and dear to my heart. Their son Emmett and I were both premature deliveries, both spent a lot of time in the NICU after birth, both had a lot of trauma and struggle to overcome as we were born into this world. The Lasky family are a group of warriors, and I am so proud to know them. After an emergency trip to Weston at the end of the month, because we thought Justin had dry socket, I found peace in color and lines at the grocery store. July was all about confronting scary things and taking a moment to rest after. 

AUGUST 2017

I crossed something off my bucket list: dye my hair pink. I started listening to musical soundtracks and watching early episodes of Grey's Anatomy all the time to access the recesses of emotion that I had repressed to cope with trauma. I started writing it all down, much like I did when I carted a three-subject purple notebook everywhere with me my senior year of high school. I probably won't share the contents with the world, but getting all those words out of my heart and down on paper is the best form of catharsis there is. One morning after I showed Justin a picture I had taken of his mom's flowers on the front stoop, he told me, "You always find beauty in plain sight." Those words still bring me comfort today. Once Kesha's new album dropped, I listened to it almost exclusively for the rest of the month. I tried my hardest to make the one year anniversary of my dad's death a good day. Melissa, Starr and I road tripped to Burlington. They met my mom and Bruce, Noelle, and Bryce. We went to Adrian's and Next Door Pub and the old fish hatchery where I took pictures all the time as a teenager. Justin and I celebrated 5 years of us. I went to the county fair with Tammy, Cora, and Hayden on our anniversary. I took pictures of Cristin and David in their cute little house. We drank coffee and caught up, and it makes my heart soar that my friends trust me enough to capture moments in their life. The month was capped off by a perfect cotton candy sunset.

SEPTEMBER 2017

I celebrated 11 years of being a survivor on September 3. Wearing red lipstick was an instant confidence booster. I started to work on setting boundaries and sticking to them—which included speaking up and voicing when people made me uncomfortable. My teenaged and early-twenty-something self would have never had the confidence or the guts to do that. I started watching Love on Netflix on Noelle's recommendation. I finished a knitting project that I started in August, and decided to get in front of the camera again when I took pictures of it for the blog. Dancing in my favorite clearing in the perfect golden hour light was a dream come true. I will always be chasing that feeling of being seventeen, prancing around in the woods with just my camera and the sun. My frenzied writing in August came to a stall in September. A former girlfriend of my abuser reached out to me, and we bonded over sharing assault at the hands of the same man. To cheer myself up, I spent the next day over at The Lost Companion playing with and taking pictures of cats for an upcoming adoption fair they were hosting. I hired my friend Emily to design me a logo for my photography business. Being able to hire my friends to do what they love so that I can achieve my dream of doing what I love makes me feel the happiest. I started knitting a blanket for Starr for Christmas and picked up a book of Soduko puzzles to try to spend less time on my phone. I applied for an actual writing job and got a call for an interview. I was over the moon and so, so happy in September.

OCTOBER 2017

October started off confident and light. We celebrated Justin turning 31 on the 3rd by taking a little vacation to Weston so we could get the last of Justin's teeth extracted on the 5th. We had a pretty terrible time on vacation, to be honest, and it made us both crabby and irritable for a few weeks afterward. I caught up on Scandal and Grey's Anatomy once they were added to Netflix. I showed up for my job interview with as much heart as I muster. I put my all into trying to get that position, and they told me that I "definitely had the heart for the job." I just didn't have the degree to back it up. I practiced self-care by going for walks around South Park in October. I finished Starr's Christmas blanket. Swooned over pretty sunsets and vowed to trade in February's cold, gloom and doom in exchange for an extra October. When #metoo broke out, I was suddenly in flashback, PTSD symptom central again. Realized how much I have overcome in ten years, in five years, and how much work I still have to do. Thought a lot about forgiveness. Forgiving your abuser is one thing; whether or not you forgive them is personally your choice. But you must always forgive yourself. I don't know how many times I watched Phantom of the Opera, but "Point of No Return" always sparks something deep within me and was the soundtrack during my writing time. We celebrated Kerry's life and had his memorial service down at the River at the end of the month. I got to meet a lot of Justin's extended family for the first time. For Halloween, I dressed up as Debbie from The Girl's Room skit on the Amanda Show.

NOVEMBER 2017

November and I started off sort of melancholy this year. I showered and danced it out and used the yellow towel because it made me happy to shake off the rejection from that writing job. I watched The Keepers on Netflix and fell deeper down my sexual assault rabbit hole. If what they say is true about every cell regenerating every seven years, this year I lost the parts of me that held onto high school, my very short college experience, and my first 365 challenge. Taking a self-portrait every day for a year opened up an entirely new life for me, and I am thankful every day for the discipline it took to do that every day. I needed a new knitting project, so I started knitting my mom a black and white blanket that I gave to her for Christmas this year. Justin and I went on a makeup vacation to Appleton in November. We went to Funset Boulevard and had a blast swimming in our hotel's heated pool every night. I kicked his butt at Skee Ball and got to make a little girl's day when Justin told me to go pick a family and give them all of our game tickets. We bought lollipops with bugs in them from a candy shop in downtown Appleton. It was precisely the "us time" that we needed after our horrible vacation in Weston. Work kicked my butt all month long, and I was burnt out by Thanksgiving. Justin and I spent the day at home. I started my annual Gilmore Girls rewatch. I ordered my first ever business cards and reminded myself that baby steps still count as progress.

DECEMBER 2017

I feel like I spend every December in a fog. Working at a mall during Christmas kind of conditioned me to hate the holidays, and this year was no different. I drank a lot of coffee and spent a lot of time sitting in the chair under my blanket watching Gilmore Girls. I didn't actually start feeling Christmas-y until the week before Christmas when it started actually snowing. The sun was out, and I ventured down to the backyard to take a picture of my coffee for Instagram. I finally finished reading A Million Little Ways and started Traveling Mercies by Anne Lamott. I made homemade Chex Mix for the first time by myself and brought it to our work potluck for Christmas Eve. I booked four shoots for my Burlington trip over Christmas. Three of them canceled on me, and I had to cancel the fourth because of car troubles. Womp, womp. I always look forward to seeing my family and friends the most whenever I go back to Burlington. Noelle, Bryce and I drove around aimlessly on Christmas Day wondering, "How did we ever live here? And why did we ever leave?" Those two know my soul on a deeper level than anyone else, and spending time with them always leaves me with so much positive energy. I've been making plans for the new year and brainstorming methods to keep myself accountable. 

2017, you have been oh-so-good to me. Thank you for all the growing pains and the strength it took to slug my way through the mud and the dirty, messy, harsher parts of life. You brought the prettiest sunsets, deeper relationships, and All. The. Coffee. You have honestly been one of the best years of my life.

2016: a year in review

2016. You were one hell of a year. (One that I would really prefer to never have to relive ever again, if that's alright by you.) 

January.

I started this year chasing pink clouds through bitter cold wind and got weird looks from my coworkers and told them to "shut up because I'm chasing clouds."  I tried to take a picture a day. I got an apology from Cody, almost ten years after the fact. Still kinda blows my mind, tbh. 

 

February. 

Justin and I started binge watching Deadliest Catch and buying all the DVD's off of eBay to start our collection. We spent all of our spare time together and somehow didn't get sick of each other. It was a good bonding month for us and reminded me of how strong our relationship is. 

 

March. 

One day after work I went to McD's to get coffee and sat in the park. And then I started doing it almost every week all spring and summer long. It became an essential ritual of self care for me this year, and I will always love coffee for providing me with a sense of comfort and home. 

April. 

I turned the big 2-4 and celebrated by scrapbooking at Cristin's. Justin and I celebrated three years of living together. I took my like 7 days of paid vacation off from work for my birthday week and went home just for the weekend to see my family. My dad took me to the Oak Creek Diner and we went to the airport where he worked to change the steering wheel on his Monte from the classic dealer wheel to something a little more race car, just like dad loved. I'm beyond happy that we got to spend that time together, just the two of us, and I will never forget that memory of us hanging out in the garage one last time. 

 

May. 

Life felt full. I was enraptured by little things, like sitting in the backyard with all these purple flowers and feeling completely at peace. I went flower hunting in the Shopko garden center every time I was sad because I knew it cheered me up. I was focused a lot on trying to tame my anxiety. 

 

June. 

This month was good and bad all at once. I went to the beach with my friends and drank cheap beer and we laughed our asses off at nothing. It was one of the best days. But I also called my dad to with him a Happy Father's Day and got the news that he was in the hospital with a spot on his liver. That spot on his liver was Small Cell Lung Cancer that had metastasized to his liver and spine. He never got out of the hospital once he was admitted. The last time I saw my dad was at the end of June. I cried because he was being so strong and I couldn't keep myself together because I was so worried about him. He told me he loved me and to be strong. 

July. 

I got new glasses for the first time I was a freshman in high school! I took a lot of flower pictures and went for a lot of walks around South Park. Went to the beach + Wendy's and to the fair with my beans. I was happy. 

 

August. 

Aka the worst month of the entire year. The last time I talked to my dad was August 3—every time I called after that, his phone went straight to voicemail. He passed on the 17th and from there on out it was a constant headache of grief and family and funeral planning and STRESS. The only good thing about August is that Justin and I celebrated 4 years together. 

September. 

I said goodbye to the POS, Ponyboy, my Alero that my dad got for free and fixed up for me whenever it broke down. That was a major moment for me—doing something car related without him, and I know he's happy that I bought a Chevy. I listened to a lot A Day to Remember and Mayday Parade to try to cope with my grief. I started watching Scandal on Netflix. 

October. 

Justin turned 30 this year. I did the adult thing and finally got myself a checking account! But the event that overshadows everything else is the loss of Justin's brother, Kerry, on the 27th. It's a loss that everyone in his family is still trying to recover from. 

 

November. 

I voted for Hillary Clinton in the presidential election. I drank a lot of coffee and snuggled with the Mew cat. I went home for Thanksgiving and my mom gave me the best Christmas present ever. A quilt she had made of my dad's shirts and hats and the knees of his work jeans. I will cherish it forever. I got to spend time with Bryce, doing our usual hoodlum activities. And I got to watch the GILMORE GIRLS REVIVAL with my best friend. 

 

December. 

This month has been quiet. Christmas didn't feel like Christmas this year. Usually I'm on of those people who leaves Christmas decorations up until New Year's Day to enjoy the magic a little longer, and this year we tore everything down on December 26. We're all tired, I think. So much loss this year has drained everyone's spirits. 

Here's to a bright, hopeful 2017. xo