my new favorite selfie

This is my favorite selfie that I have ever taken.

I've had red glasses for 10 years and I think now I'm finally used to seeing my new ones on my face everyday. I did my makeup in 5 minutes this morning: brows, minimal eyeshadow, winged liner that I have perfected down to an art to get it right on the first try. I trimmed my bangs in the bathroom sink yesterday before work. Iced coffee: my go to drink this summer. And I'm wearing my new uniform: a maxi dress tied at the bottom with whatever t-shirt I can grab out of my pile of neutrals on top and my black sandals. I look like me and I love it. 

national lipstick day

currently, july edition

drinking ALL THE ICED COFFEE

walking through the public garden

wishing I wore sneakers instead of sandals

regretting not wearing my hair up

enjoying all the pretty flowers (& that it's free!)

missing my big camera because it's so worth it for the photos

debating on getting another 50mm lens

celebrating that my friend Cristin just got a house!

watching Naruto Shippudden with Justin & Scandal by myself

eating all the Talenti gelato I can get my hands on

trying my hardest to keep my anxiety in check

loving this season in life right now

chasing demons

On the left: it was the day after my twentieth birthday. I had proclaimed to the world that I had "hit my vulnerability wall" and as I stood in front of my bedroom window to take this picture, I shook uncontrollably and tried to blink back tears.

On the right: today. 4 years later. I got up early, drank coffee, took a shower, did my makeup in order to feel confident that today was going to be a GOOD DAY. Until I checked my tumblr and there was an anonymous message in my inbox that has sent me chasing after four year old demons and feeling ashamed of a part of myself that I wish didn't exist. 

How do you unlearn malicious coping mechanisms? How do you cope with the feelings of guilt and shame and self hatred because you let yourself be controlled and manipulated by someone for so long? How do you look back on your former self and not start picking apart your current life piece by piece from her POV until there's nothing left? How do you abandon the demons you thought you banished so long ago?

My anxious brain doesn't have any answers right now. Only more questions. 

by the way, today was a good day

MONDAY.

I worked 7-3:30ish today. I went grocery shopping after work to get cat food & soda & Advil. Hung out with Maddie after she got done with work. We took a walk around South Park and Maddie played Pokemon Go while I took pictures. We went to McD's after because my iced coffee cravings know no boundaries. And Maddie got a free ice cream cone because there was paper inside her first cone. Now I have 3 episodes of Coffee with Chrachel queued AND I get to sleep in tomorrow. Good things. 

snapchat skies

10: random

Daisies are really my favorite flowers of all time, but dahlias come in at a close second. 

In middle school, I used to collect two things: Jones soda bottles (because of all the cool pictures on the labels!) & Converse All-Star sneakers. 

The last concert I went to was the 102.1 Snow Show with Rise Against, Red Jumpsuit Apparatus, and (my entire reason for going) My Chemical Romance TEN YEARS AGO. 

Whenever I grocery shop, I usually buy things in pairs, and then I'm annoyed when Justin wants three different kinds of ice cream. ;)

I'm rediscovering my forgotten love for cereal. 

Since I got my new glasses, I feel like my self confidence has skyrocketed. 

When I was little, I lost a baby tooth eating chocolate chip pancakes and my mom still has the very distraught letter I wrote to the tooth fairy. 

I hate when people leave the keyboard click sounds ON on their phone. 

Nothing beats the rush of finding something amazing at the thrift store. 

And now I have to go get blankets and towels from the dryer. ;) Happy Friday!

oldie but a goodie

July 21, 2010 — every time i go to the library, i make it a ritual to walk up and down the aisles, running my hands along the books before i look for anything specific. tonight i happened to find the book reckless driver by lisa vice, and an unquiet mind: a memoir of moods & madness by kay redfield jamison, which was a recommendation made to me by my therapist. i'm excited to read them after i finish extremely loud & incredibly close by jonathan safran foer.

Looking back at my first 365 always makes me at least seven different kinds of nostalgic. This was a good memory to come back to, especially because going to the library always reminds me of my grandma. When I was little, I would always try to bring home a stack of books as tall as I was. She always set a limit of 5 books, and she always promised we could come back for the rest of the library after I finished those 5 books. 

I miss my grandma. 

mid week funk

I woke up this morning in a funk. So I did what any emotionally unstable 20-something would do: wander around a big box store until you feel okay again. 

I tried on bras, looked at clearance clothes, wandered through the back to school aisles. I found Jones soda and squealed because I usually can never find it anywhere. It was the bright moment today where it clicked and something went right. 

When I was standing in the checkout line, I was behind an older woman in a wheelchair with her daughter and granddaughter in the checkout line. Watching the three of them interact with each other made me tear up because of how much I miss her. It reminded me of grocery shopping with my mom and grandma and made me nostalgic for my childhood.

I went for a drive and sat at the park for a while because I didn't want to go home yet. Everything feels so heavy and broken and raw. Getting out of bed feels like a chore. Showering and eating and going to bed at a decent time all feel like these utterly impossible tasks. I'm exhausted and I'm anxious and I'm depressed right now. Things can only go up from here, I guess. 

life is good.

amherst fair

Went to the Amherst Fair yesterday with the beans (minus Melissa because she was at a concert). Nothing like yelling at carnies for improper safety checks, screaming our heads off on the tilt-a-whirl, and feeling like we're all 8 years old again. 

morning moment

I woke up at 6:50 this morning after going to bed at 2 am. The clock on the tv said 106 and I freaked out thinking I had slept all day. Got up and went into the kitchen to see the clock on the stove said almost 7. Took these pictures and climbed back into bed. I love days off. 

hey tuesday

IT'S HOT OUT. Like stay indoors, hide out in front of the A/C & find something to binge watch on Netflix hot. (I just started Scandal!)

Justin wanted donuts so I went down to the gas station and they have a $1.49 iced coffee sale going on right now. Sign me up. Half a dozen donuts, an iced caramel macchiato, and a Milky Way bar: $8. Perfect Tuesday pick me up. 

finding rainbows

I was looking at my Instagram feed and realized I had a rainbow nestled in between light parties and pretty sunrises. I love color & the prospect of finding it everywhere you look. 

i love the sky

dear justin

Coming home to you & the cats was the best part of my day today. (And, tbh, it's the best part of my day every day.) I love you. 

oh burlington

Took a quick trip home last week. By far the best part was spending all day on Tuesday with Noelle and Sage. We picnicked at Echo and Sage ran around on the playground while we got girl talk in. And because it's a) not a trip home without Adrian's, and b) right across the street from the park, I had to treat my nephew to the greatest frozen custard stand in the whole wide world.

It was nice to go home for a few days.