2008 days between these two photos. I am almost an entirely new person now compared to who I was then, but the ghost of days away from 20 year old me is coming back to haunt me. Sunday night, I received a Facebook message that has left several demons from my past wandering around in my head.
First and foremost, Cody is there. Not the tattooed, bearded Cody that lives on Facebook, but the one with the dorky mohawk that lives in my battered memories.
When I was sixteen and going to therapy for the first time, the subject was brought up of me pressing charges against Cody. That stupid letter where I told him I loved him two years before because I literally didn't understand that I was supposed to hate him after that came back to haunt me. My stupid, emotion filled decisions always come back to haunt me. That letter was the nail in the coffin of my case against him. No charges were filed. Nothing ever became of it.
I can hear my favorite high school English teacher, Mr. Mocarski's words echo in my ear after I opened up to him about it. "Stop waffling. Make a decision."
This almost-20 year old me is one that I still can't look in the eye. I was all healed and put back together after Cody. I was trying to be independent despite living under my mother's roof and working two jobs to support my family of three on one income. I spent most of my last days as a teenager chasing after things that didn't belong to me—jobs, money, and men in particular.
I met Julio on PlentyOfFish.com, after making an account on the urging of my friend Bryce. My friends were worried about me. They watched me diving deeper into stress and depression and told me to go do something fun and spontaneous to break me out of my shell. The left picture was taken the first night Julio and I met in person. Five and a half years later, he's coming back to haunt me.
Julio and I were never together in any technical sense. We only "dated" or whatever for about six months before I moved onto other people and met Justin. The two nights we actually spent together will forever be imprinted in my mind simply for the scars he left behind. He took my virginity the first night. He left welts and bruises so bad I could hardly walk after the second night. Consent was never an issue. I walked into this freely knowing what I was getting myself into.
The problem with Julio is that he doesn't know how to take the word "No" for an answer. This is the boy who had a dream about literally branding his name into my ass like cattle. This is the boy who drew me in with his touch and made sure I would never forget what it felt like to be small and insignificant and beaten down. This is the boy who wanted to take me on a "camping trip," just the two of us, where he vowed to rape me and leave me out in the middle of nowhere alone for a few days and "maybe come back for (me)." This is the boy who showed up, time and time again, on Skype, on Facebook, in my email even after I had told him, "Yo, dude, I have a boyfriend now." His persistence and my stubbornness to let others help me is what led to me cheating on Justin with him.
I am still just beginning to crack the surface of all the damaged Julio caused to my already broken psyche.
Sunday night, I received a message from Julio's most recent ex-girlfriend. This is the girl that was with him when Justin found out that I had cheated on him with Julio. We had spoken briefly before, and she asked me about allegations of abuse she had heard from other girls that had been with Julio. I told her about what I had also heard from the girl he dated after me, and told her to please be careful because I didn't want her to end up like us.
She asked me to be a character witness in her pursuit of charges against Julio for sexual assault.
Once again, all I hear is Mocarski's voice. "Stop waffling. Make a decision."
I told her I would think about and asked her to keep me updated.
Stop waffling, Anna. Make a decision.
I have to absolutely prioritize my own mental health here. I don't know if I could get on the stand and give testimony about the special brand of horrible that Julio is while he sits there, watching me and probably wishing that he could hurt me now just like he used to then. I can feel myself falling into the depression pit again. I just need to find the courage to summon the strength to ask for help in climbing out.
First and foremost, Cody is there. Not the tattooed, bearded Cody that lives on Facebook, but the one with the dorky mohawk that lives in my battered memories.
When I was sixteen and going to therapy for the first time, the subject was brought up of me pressing charges against Cody. That stupid letter where I told him I loved him two years before because I literally didn't understand that I was supposed to hate him after that came back to haunt me. My stupid, emotion filled decisions always come back to haunt me. That letter was the nail in the coffin of my case against him. No charges were filed. Nothing ever became of it.
I can hear my favorite high school English teacher, Mr. Mocarski's words echo in my ear after I opened up to him about it. "Stop waffling. Make a decision."
This almost-20 year old me is one that I still can't look in the eye. I was all healed and put back together after Cody. I was trying to be independent despite living under my mother's roof and working two jobs to support my family of three on one income. I spent most of my last days as a teenager chasing after things that didn't belong to me—jobs, money, and men in particular.
I met Julio on PlentyOfFish.com, after making an account on the urging of my friend Bryce. My friends were worried about me. They watched me diving deeper into stress and depression and told me to go do something fun and spontaneous to break me out of my shell. The left picture was taken the first night Julio and I met in person. Five and a half years later, he's coming back to haunt me.
Julio and I were never together in any technical sense. We only "dated" or whatever for about six months before I moved onto other people and met Justin. The two nights we actually spent together will forever be imprinted in my mind simply for the scars he left behind. He took my virginity the first night. He left welts and bruises so bad I could hardly walk after the second night. Consent was never an issue. I walked into this freely knowing what I was getting myself into.
The problem with Julio is that he doesn't know how to take the word "No" for an answer. This is the boy who had a dream about literally branding his name into my ass like cattle. This is the boy who drew me in with his touch and made sure I would never forget what it felt like to be small and insignificant and beaten down. This is the boy who wanted to take me on a "camping trip," just the two of us, where he vowed to rape me and leave me out in the middle of nowhere alone for a few days and "maybe come back for (me)." This is the boy who showed up, time and time again, on Skype, on Facebook, in my email even after I had told him, "Yo, dude, I have a boyfriend now." His persistence and my stubbornness to let others help me is what led to me cheating on Justin with him.
I am still just beginning to crack the surface of all the damaged Julio caused to my already broken psyche.
Sunday night, I received a message from Julio's most recent ex-girlfriend. This is the girl that was with him when Justin found out that I had cheated on him with Julio. We had spoken briefly before, and she asked me about allegations of abuse she had heard from other girls that had been with Julio. I told her about what I had also heard from the girl he dated after me, and told her to please be careful because I didn't want her to end up like us.
She asked me to be a character witness in her pursuit of charges against Julio for sexual assault.
Once again, all I hear is Mocarski's voice. "Stop waffling. Make a decision."
I told her I would think about and asked her to keep me updated.
Stop waffling, Anna. Make a decision.
I have to absolutely prioritize my own mental health here. I don't know if I could get on the stand and give testimony about the special brand of horrible that Julio is while he sits there, watching me and probably wishing that he could hurt me now just like he used to then. I can feel myself falling into the depression pit again. I just need to find the courage to summon the strength to ask for help in climbing out.
I'm so proud of you, and I can see how this is so so hard. Take care of yourself, love. That is the most important thing when making decisions. Sometimes bravery is saying no in order to keep yourself safe. I'm here if you ever need a third party to talk to <3
ReplyDeleteThank you, Rachel, for the reminder and your support. It means the world to me.
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