muscle car memory

Saw this car in the parking lot of Dollar General, and like I do every time I see a muscle car, my thoughts went straight to my padre. I love you, dad. I'll see you on Sunday. 

it's been a while...

I'm gonna get real for a second, Blogland, because while this blog may be filled with pretty pictures and the occasional musing, it's also my place to think. And write. And eventually communicate and share with all of you. 

I need to learn how to not be ashamed of my vulnerability. Life sucks right now because instead of doing the healthy thing and writing down how I feel (or talking about it like a normal freaking person), I've been keeping everything bottled up. Life just feels like a series of bad things happening one right after another right now, and I'm struggling with both processing what has already happened and expressing myself to the people who need me to be there for them right now. 

I'm staying in my head so much lately. My anxiety is the bully on the playground that won't stop spinning the merry-go-round and my depression is on the sidelines egging him on. 

I'm struggling to come to terms with the question "Am I the toxic person nobody wants to be around or am I surrounded by toxic people who make me feel this way?"

Lately I am flooded with memories from my childhood and I am left to wonder: How much of my behavior now was learned?  How do you unlearn patterns you've been repeating all your life? How do you let go of the bad parts of yourself without sacrificing the good ones? How do you separate yourself—your true self—from the toxic people you let into your life by choice? How do you unlearn the behaviors of a past lover, or the toxic words of an old friend? How do you let go of all the shame and the guilt and the grief you've held onto for the last 12 years of your life?

The short answer: I've heard therapy does wonders, but I'm not financially able to have that as a viable option right now. 

The long answer is one that I hope to continue discovering. It's peeling back the layers and getting to know my past selves from the context of my current self. It's painful and complicated and messy. It's getting to know my guilt and shame and grief and sadness and anger up close and personal, examining each one and assigning it a purpose so it no longer floats endlessly within me. And by doing so, I learn how to be vulnerable again. 

Baby steps are still progress. 

beach day

Sunday was the perfect day. I opened at work and somewhere between Melissa getting there and me leaving, we all decided to go to the beach. There's nothing like drinking cheap beer and laying out next to the tannest girls there (so we were doing them a favor by making them look more tan!) and laughing about anything and everything. I love my friends. 

currently, june edition

trying to make an effort to stay hydrated and drink more water

appreciating all the colors at the grocery store

watching old episodes of The Simple Life on youtube

craving flaming hot cheetos (feels like high school all over again!)

loving sunlight until 8:30 pm

snuggling with the mew kitty

sitting in front of the fan today

avoiding downtown because of strawberry fest

wishing my momma happy birthday today!

planning my next Burlington trip

wearing all the high waisted shorts

enjoying the beginning of summer

hump day

Sometimes you just gotta say, "f*** this." Stay up late watching Bring It On after work. Sleep in until 11:30. Eat ice cream for lunch. Do three loads of laundry. Pick up your knitting for the first time in 4 months. 

Today is my only day off this week and I think it was one well spent. 

cloud watching

I have a thing for silhouetted trees against pretty skies. 

a tale of two houses

Option number 1: We sit on that porch every night in a glider like the one my grandma had growing up. There is a pitcher of peach iced tea next to me. Your feet are in my lap as you become more and more engrossed in whichever book from your extensive Anne Rice collection drew your interest. I'm watching the sunlight filter through the trees and listening to the cicadas sing their summer song. 

~~~~~

Option number 2: The overgrown bush obscuring the living room window brings the most beautiful shadows at sunset. I lay on the hardwood floor, basking in the sunlight like a kitten on a summer morning. You stand over me, blinded by the warm glow of the sun. You're smiling and I smile too, happy to be surrounded by all my favorite things. 

national best friend day

2010 vs 2014

Babycakes,

You are my person. I don't need a "national holiday" to tell you that. We have ten years of friendship under our belt and you literally know me better than anyone in the whole world. 

On Saturday night you texted me, "I've been thinking a lot lately about how lucky i am to have someone to send literally ANY little thought to and it wont be percieved as stupid. No one for the whole entire rest of my life will ever come close to knowing me and my tendencies as well or understanding me as well as you."

Ditto, babycakes. Always. 

Ten years of friendship has taught me one thing: you are my constant. You are the person I call at 3 AM when I can't sleep because my first love is falling apart. You are the person I wish I could pack in my suitcase and bring to Savannah with me. You are the only person I will listen to when everyone tells me a boy is bad news for me. You are the person I always make time to see whenever I come to Burlington, even if it's just for a few minutes. 

I love you, jizzbag. You're my person. Happy best friend day. 

ch-changes

It's a season for change. I can feel it. 

My mom tore down the garage that has stood in the backyard of my childhood home for almost 50 years today. Seeing all the demo pictures on Facebook tonight made me wonder "What would my grandma say if she were here?"

I worked an unexpected 12 hour day. I knew it was already a long day when I started thinking about taking a nap when I got home after lunch rush today. Little did I know, the closer no call no showed and left me scrambling to find someone to come in to cover. I clocked in at 6:56 this morning and finally clocked out at 6:52 pm.

Remember when I actually had a sleep schedule? That's all about to change too. Lately, work has had me mostly on first shift with maybe a couple of closes every few weeks to cover when people request off on inconvenient days. It seems right now that I'm going to be transitioning back to second shift again like I was all last summer. 

I'm realizing more and more lately that life is really just a series of patterns. You find them, you adjust to them, and then something happens that blows everything apart and you have to start all over again. It's frustrating, yes. It's sometimes (mostly) inconvenient to you, yes. You're frustrated and exhausted and all you want to do is hide in bed with Gilmore Girls on Netflix & a plate of microwave nachos. (Trust me on this one, this was exactly the picture of me yesterday.)

Turn off the tv. Get out of bed. Wash your face and brush your teeth. Go carve out your new patterns. If you're overwhelmed, take it one step at a time. Don't let the anxiety yelling at you in your head stop you from taking the steps you need to take to find your stable ground again. 

You can do this. 

I believe in you. 

Have faith. xo

good things:

My dress matches the sky. 

Mayday Parade is on repeat. 

The sun is shining. 

I have tomorrow off. 

Anything is possible. 

peony update

What a difference a day makes! 

it's the little things that matter most

Sometimes it's all about the little things: light parties on the porch, the peonies blooming by the sidewalk, it's 81 degrees, and Justin and I both got done with work early today. Happy Friday!

photo-a-day: may

100% for May! Last month was colorful for sure (thank you spring flowers!) and life was full. Even though Mercury was in retrograde almost all month, we all made it out relatively unscathed. ;)