dear justin,

Babe. Can you believe we've been together for FIVE WHOLE YEARS?! I have spent 1/5 of my life with you. Through some of our rougher patches, you have said in anger that you wished you hadn't set the age bar so low on your eHarmony profile. When we met, I was 20 and you were 25. I was an all caps MESS when we met. I was chasing after people that weren't mine to chase. I was being reckless and stupid in the name of "being young" and "trying to have some fun." Every bad, reckless decision in my life has led me to you. You rescued me from those demons that popped up while we were busy falling in love. I cannot thank you enough for that, Justin. 

Thank you for seeing me, really seeing me, and recognizing that I was worth something in a time when I felt so broken and defenseless.

Thank you for choosing me. There were a few days when we first started talking when I would go radio silent and stop responding to your emails. I was tying up loose ends. Kissing boys that I wasn't meant to kiss. Making absolutely sure you were the right choice. (Obviously, here we are now and DUH—you're so The One, babe.) But I questioned every single decision I made back then, so much so that I usually deferred the actual decision making process to someone else entirely. The butterflies you put in my stomach, though, every time I saw an email from you in my inbox, every time I saw your name in my online Skype contacts, every time you messaged me with a simple "hi"—they were everything.

You have lay witness to my transformation from "broken, fresh off an abusive relationship and a half fragile girl" to the person I am today. You have taught me so many lessons along the way about being a mature, responsible adult. About being a good person. About having compassion for other people, empathy, and the importance of honesty. You have taught me important life lessons about commitment. There have been times when I wanted to throw in the towel and you have always grabbed my hand, looked me in the eyes, and begged me to believe in us again. Believe in our love and how strong we can be together.

You have helped me to believe in the soft parts of me again. You have helped me see the strength in vulnerability. Not only in recognizing it and naming it, but also in sharing it with other people. Nothing makes me feel closer to you than when we talk about what's bugging us. The crazy dreams turned into nightmares. The grief on both of our ends in the last two years. All of the bad shit that has happened in the last five years has only brought us closer together. 

A few weeks ago, before I went to bed, I looked at you and said, "Thank you for being my family."

You smiled at me and said, "You're welcome" and went back to getting ready for bed yourself.

You are my family. I have one parent left. My only "siblings" are my best friends. You are the one I talk to every day. You are the one I kiss goodnight before bed. You are the shoulder I cry on and the one who makes me laugh the hardest when I am trying to be mad at you. You are the one who has heard all my ugly, seen all of my darkness, and for some reason unknown to me, you choose to love me anyway.

You're the one, babe. You're kinda stuck with me at this point. I have been thinking more and more lately about our wedding. About marriage in general. About how much I can't wait to literally and legally become your family. After about a million setbacks—I lost my ring and your teeth have to come out and we need to get our finances in order before we can get married—after ALL THAT, I am still so excited for our future together. The light at the end of this very long tunnel is small, but I can see it. I can't wait to tackle all the hard, scary things that forever brings with you.

And all of the big, scary things we have already conquered? They have made us stronger together than we could ever be apart.

I am the detail person in our relationship. I make sure all the I's are dotted and all the T's are crossed. You are the big picture. You pull dreams down for us to achieve together, side by side. Without you, I would have a harder time coming up with those big lofty goals disguised as dreams to work towards. 

Let's keep chasing our dreams together forever, okay?

I love you, babe.

xo, Anna