an act of self-preservation

Every day this week, I have cried big fat stress tears into my morning cup of coffee. I keep saying the same things over and over again, hoping that things will get better. That maybe this time things will actually be different than any of all the other bullshit that has happened in the last five years that I have spent in fast food. All it takes is work ethic to fix the problems at hand. A propensity to actually do the things you say you're going to do when you say you're going to do it. All it takes is the ability to actually follow through on a problem instead of spewing empty promises and treating the people who work for you like babysitters, and then wondering why everyone is angry and snapping all the time and threatening to walk out on their shifts every day.

In the words of Tegan and Sara, "Let go, and move on/We're strangers, we're not friends/I hate this. And I hate them." I hate waking up every day and crying. I hate the pit that forms in my stomach as I watch the hours tick by without my permission on the days I have to work. Every minute the clock gets closer to 3pm, my heart starts beating stronger and the anxiety beast in my head gets its megaphone ready. When does the self-preservation instinct kick in? How do you know when enough is enough and throw in the towel? How do you access that kind of courage to let go and leave behind the community you've grown so comfortable in, as well as a steady paycheck, in order to chase your own dreams?

Peaceful moments come in waves. This morning, after waking up ungodly early and once again crying into my coffee cup after a barrage of passive-aggressive messages from one of my higher-ups at work, I took my morning walk to appreciate the sunlight that I don't often get to appreciate anymore. I finished up a load of laundry and took a shower, a reminder to be gentle with myself at times like this when my tender heart is stirred with rage which later turns to sadness and self-loathing. Taking pictures in the backyard for half an hour made me forget about Hardee's for a little while. The only times that I feel that pure, unfiltered sense of joy pour through my heart lately is when I am taking pictures. Even sitting in front of my laptop for three or four hours a day editing wedding pictures doesn't feel like work because I love what I'm doing.

Fight for what is precious to you. Do whatever it takes to keep your own well-being preserved and intact. You will come out stronger on the other side.

Week 4/52