coming out of the mud

T-shirt: Femfetti, Cardigan: Amazon, Blanket Scarf: Amazon, Jeans: Old Navy

Transformations are so important. They're hard, yes, and sometimes we have to get in the mud before we can see the light at the end of the tunnel. The mud is not a fun place to be. You feel stuck, uninspired, trying to dig yourself out of the hole you somehow found yourself in. But that mud is what drives us to be the best version of ourselves that we can be. 

I used to work for a JC Penney portrait studio. The same one my parents took me to when I was a baby, inside the mall I had been going to for back to school shopping my entire life. During the year and a half that I worked there, I had also built up a pretty sizeable business for myself doing senior photos and the occasional wedding. My studio work was never up to my standards. I spent a lot of my time there comparing the images I produced at work, when I didn't have a lot of experience with kids or babies at all, to my co-worker's images, who were mostly mom's already or just had a knack for being good with kids that I convinced myself I just didn't have. 

I took a five-year hiatus from running my business because I had convinced myself that I wasn't good enough. My images weren't good enough. Everyone else was better than me. I was still as in love with photography as I have always been, but I needed to reevaluate what I wanted from it after feeling burned out in the studio setting. Moving from my hometown and the majority of my client base also fueled my taking a hiatus. I didn't know anyone or have any friends in the area when I relocated... How could I possibly expect to turn total strangers into clients? (The self-doubt was SO real, y'all.)

That's the beauty of the mud, though. If you spend enough time immersed in it and let yourself get a little dirty until you don't feel so rough around the edges, it teaches you about how much power you hold and where you are giving that power away. My anxiety was overjoyed that I was feeding it so much of my energy. That comparison game is all your anxiety and fear and self-doubt ever wants to play. Eventually, you will reach the point where you're tired of wiping mud out of your eyes. You will grow to resent the mud and the hole you're in. How tired you are all the time. How you berate yourself because you feel guilty for giving up on your dream, and you begin to find ways to help get yourself out of there.

I dusted off this dream of mine in 2017, almost a year after my dad died. Coming to terms with my grief meant I had to listen to that little voice inside of me that reminded me of how my dad invested in his dreams every day, and in return did the same for me and my business. I picked up my camera again after taking pictures strictly with my phone for 2 years, bought a new laptop, and started from scratch just like I did back in 2009. This time, I'm not punching someone else's time clock and being put under so much pressure from persnickety portrait studio moms that have high expectations for "perfect" coming out of a ten minute session, or a corporation that wants images on an assembly line that results in profits for them and not always the precious moments that these clients want to be captured and hanging in their homes forever.

I always felt so out of my element shooting in a claustrophobic camera room with a back wall that was bursting at the seams with props and fluff. The mud was detrimental in me realizing that I didn't have to stop taking pictures and using my camera altogether. I just had to change my surroundings and the setting I was choosing to work in. I was made for sunny days, being outside in fresh air, exploring my surroundings and finding what works best for me given the unpredictable nature of working with natural light. I missed the challenge of racing with the sun and using shadows to my advantage. Now I am able to do all of that and feel fulfilled at the same time.

If you're in the mud right now, focus on your little victories. The moments when you forget you're in the mud will help you realize what you need in order to get out. I'm with you.