on sept 3

September 3 has meant a lot of things to me over the years. This morning I woke up shaken after having a bad dream about my grandma. I texted my mom, got up and made coffee, and forgot to take my anxiety meds right away when I got up. When I finally sat down to check my email this morning, I was reminded of everything it has taken for me to get to this point in my life. And it all stems from me picking up a camera, trying to do anything and everything to get out some of the very big feelings that felt like they were crushing me.

The thing about time is that the years start to run together after a while.

I remember on the first anniversary, I was sitting in "the cave" with some of my theatre friends during our last weekend of The Complete Idiot's Guide to High School performances, and we were joking and laughing and they all knew the significance of this date and made sure I was okay. My friends even prank called him to try and make me laugh. (Spoiler alert: they succeeded.)

In 2013, Justin took me on an adventure to give me a good memory from this day. We went down to South Park after we got done with work and I brought my camera along to get some self-portraits for my 365 project. My favorite photos from that night were from when I held my camera steady and got photos of the stars. That night will always be such a special addition to my memory bank.

In 2017, I celebrated finally being able to set clear and defined boundaries for the first time in my life. It took me 11 years to figure out how to stand up for myself and say No and actually mean it. After my dad died and I was able to process that, I realized that I needed to get a backbone and that all started with boundary setting. My boundaries were mostly centered around work and I wasn't going to take anyone's crap anymore. That's one of the greatest life lessons I have learned on September 3.

This year, I woke up from a bad dream feeling shaken. When I finally sat down with my computer today, there were a few surprises in my email inbox. I booked another wedding this morning, which means I hit my goal of booking 6 weddings for next year, and I received inquiries for a few more 2020 dates. Looking back on all the time that has passed, I wouldn't even be where I am now without this incident that completely turned my entire world upside down.

I am incredibly grateful for progress and growth, all the support I have received on this difficult day through the years from the people who love me well, and for this life that I have created for myself that I would not have without what happened to me. 13 years is a long time—next year I will have survived half of my life living with this and that blows my mind. I'm grateful every day that I picked up a camera and it brought me that first spark of joy that I had felt since it happened.

Celebrate your little victories. Make your bad days something worth celebrating. You are not defined by the bad things that happen to you.