April 14, 2020

welcome to the party, 28.


Today I turn 28. In January, before this entire pandemic started, I was planning a fun little getaway with Justin for my birthday. Cut to now and all I have to say womp, womp. So we're doing the same thing we do for my birthday every other year... park our butts on the couch, order a pizza, and watch Deadliest Catch.

Just like I did last year, I wanted to share 27 things that made 27 a great year for me.
  1. Nervous Means Do It - My mantra, thanks to Mei Ratz. Every time I feel anxious, I ask myself, "Are you nervous or scared?" Scared means ask for help. Nervous means do it.
  2. Therapy - I started going to therapy again in October and life. is. goooooood.
  3. Pep Talks - Kinda saved my life this year. They were always my "keep going, you can do this" moment that everyone needs when they're a little down.
  4. "You are blastomycosis free." - Hands down, one of my top 5 moments of 27. Not having to choke down little pink and blue pills twice a day, no more getting lost in hospitals and dealing with crabby doctors was another.
  5. My clients - I wouldn't be able to live my dream without them. They're the best.
  6. New Tattoo - I got matching tattoos with my mom when she came to visit in February and it felt like forgiveness and healing and LOVE all wrapped into one weekend.
  7. Anti-anxiety meds - LIFESAVER OF THE YEAR RIGHT HERE. Thankful for the tiny little pill I take every morning to keep my brain from imploding.
  8. 50mm f/1.4 Lens - This was my gift to myself this fall after a heavy busy season, and it's worth it for the extra 2 f/stops haha.
  9. Grey's Anatomy - Honestly, don't know where I'd be without Grey's. 
  10. Desperate Housewives - This show is like the Pretty Little Liars of the early 2000's and it's the perfect mindless "I need something to binge" show.
  11. Home Town on HGTV - Not gonna lie, I kind of want Erin Napier to be my best friend now okay, okay? Wanna visit Laurel, Mississippi so bad.
  12. True Crime - Ah yes, 27 was the year I became a cold case junkie hahaha. Watching Cold Case File and Forensic Files was how I passed a lot of my time this past summer.
  13. Audiobooks - This is a recent discovery, but since quarantine started, I've been listening to audiobooks instead of podcasts while I knit!
  14. Big Dreams, Daily Joys by Elise Blaha Cripe - Bought this book in October. Skimmed it. Put it on the shelf. Bought the audiobook to listen to once quarantine started and Elise's 3 things concept is so freakin' life-giving.
  15. Self-Portrait Therapy - I set a goal all the way back on my 27th birthday to get in front of the camera once a month for my Currently posts on my website. Mission accomplished.
  16. Aquamos Coffee Collaborative - My faaaaaaavorite coffee shop in Waupaca to work from, catch up with friends, have meetings... it's the bomb. And their Caramel Roll Latte and French Toast Latte are A++.
  17. Little Fat Gretchen's - If you've come to visit me in Waupaca, there's a 100% chance that I will take you here. Their breakfast (specifically pancakes that are literally the size of your head) + homemade pie/everything in the dessert case is life-changing.
  18. Walk in Love - Brooke and TJ do limited releases on their shop and I always try to snag a t-shirt or some stickers every time they drop something new.
  19. Rachel Allene coffee mugs - I now have... 3 of her mugs in my collection, and a bunch of her apparel! I'm obsessed.
  20. Natural Life - This little shop came in clutch for Christmas presents this year! I got my mom a bunch of fun stuff from them, and carried on the tradition of gifting Noelle an air freshener from them after the one she got for me when I first got my license finally bit the dust.
  21. The sunflower field - I cannot talk about 27 without talking about the Burlington sunflower field. Sunflower Mini Sessions are the thing that I count down every year and gives me so much freakin' joy.
  22. Nebulizer treatments - WITHOUT FAIL, every time I got sick this year, I had to go in and see my primary doctor for a nebulizer treatment because whatever I had turned into bronchitis. Thankful for this medicine (and that my primary doc is awesome).
  23. Homemade Chex Mix - I usually reserve making Chex Mix for holidays (namely Thanksgiving and Christmas), but this year I've been making Chex Mix a lot more haha. #thanksquarantine
  24. Maggie Rogers - Heard It In A Past Life was on repeat pretty much all year. Just ask my Spotify stats.
  25. Tegan & Sara - Side effect of watching Grey's... three? times all the way through this year hahaha. I listen to so much Tegan and Sara!
  26. Peanut Butter M&M's - My editing snack of choice. If you ever want to get me anything, I will accept PB M&M's without question.
  27. Coloring books + gel pens - I've been coloring in some abstract coloring books lately and I refer to it as "an exercise in compartmentalizing" haha. Noelle got me a cat coloring book for Christmas and I'm excited to dive into it!

April 09, 2020

poetry, or something.

i keep waiting for the other shoe to drop.

for the things that keep me up at night to come to fruition.

all of my darkness—

the shame,

the guilt,

over all of the things that go bump in the night

will see the light of day eventually.



growing pains,

breaking open.

transformation, they call it?

it feels a lot like rebirth.

sit with your brokenness, they said.

it will be your guide.

all i have to go on are nightmares,

two nights of passion—

one night of violence.

enough trauma for a lifetime of

misery



basically, i wish that you loved me.

the sting of rejection never hurts any less.

a touch, a hand to hold,

the warmth

of another living being

pressed against me.

is that really so much to ask?

out of a lover

out of a friend

out of a person

we spend every single day with,

kiss goodnight,

have built a life with?