another trip around the sun

a new angel

March 5, 1932 - October 2, 2015

Dear Grandma,

I miss you more than I can say already. When I saw you on Wednesday night, the last thing I said to you was that I love you and told you to be good, be nice to your nurses like you were nice to me. You gave me a big hug and said you love me too but you couldn't make any promises about being good and staying out of trouble. 

I don't know how to live without you. I do not know how to live in a world where you don't exist. I bet you have your fishing cap on and you're sitting on a dock with grandpa right about now. You two have a lot of catching up to do. I know you're in a better place now than you ever could have been here with us, but I still miss you. 

Mom thinks that you waited for me to come home before you went. Like you somehow knew that I was coming and held on just for me. I will always be thankful for that, grandma. I will always cherish those final two days that I got to spend with you. 

I love you, Grandma. I miss you. I'm happy—so, so happy—that you're no longer in pain. Say hi to grandpa for us. I love you so much. 

03:10:01

3 years ago, Justin and I met in person for the first time. I will always cherish that first week we spent together because it was truly one of the best weeks of my life. Sometimes when I look at Justin, I still get that feeling of, "Wow, this person exists. He's right in front of me and he actually loves me." I will never take those feelings for granted ever again. 

It has been 10 months since Justin found out I cheated on him. And every day it feels like an uphill battle in my head. Our relationship feels like it's so much stronger now, but sometimes that little voice gets in the back of my head and tells me, "You don't deserve this. You're a Grade A Terrible Person. You aren't worthy of someone that loves you like Justin does." There are days when I listen to that voice, when I hide in bed all day and refuse to show my face to the world. Lately I have been struggling, we have been struggling as a couple, because of a boy who likes to flirt with everyone that came back to work. Justin doesn't trust me again, and I have to once more learn how to deal with the repercussions of my actions. 

We were supposed to get married today. I was going to put on a poofy (beautiful) white dress, and my dad was going to walk me down the aisle, and I was going to commit to this man who loves me for the rest of my life. But we are not ready. So we are taking another year to reconnect. We are taking another year to fix our relationship and ourselves, and I am learning that that is okay. Planning a wedding is serious and stressful business and it's okay to keep everything small. We will get there. I will get to wear my poofy white dress, and go meet Justin to commit to him forever. 

It's all a process, healing ourselves and our relationship to get to this milestone in our forever. 

currently, september edition

savoring the season change

loving those early changing trees

grateful for everyone's support and kind words about my post from monday 

adopting a new (to us) kitten from Justin's sister

craving caramel apple sundaes from Adrian's

drinking hot coffee again... love it

wearing flannel shirts & ugly sweaters

deciding to put off the wedding for a year

spending as much time with Justin as I can because we're working opposite shifts again

watching Hellsing: Ultimate with Justin 

waiting for Grey's to come back tomorrow night 

photographing all the light parties

wishing you a happy rest of september

magic monday

My grandma has lung cancer. In August, she was in the hospital and they treated her for pneumonia, but everyone, my family and doctors alike, thought it was lung cancer from the start. It's stage four and has spread to her fourth and sixth rib. I found out last week Wednesday. 

Today, I'm trying to remember all the good things. When I was little, we moved in with my grandma. She became my built in babysitter while my parents were working. I cannot remember a single childhood summer that does not have her in it.

She would walk me and my cousins down to pool every day after we ate lunch, and would sit in the shade and read while listening to our endless choruses of "Grandma, watch this!" and "Grandma, look what I can do!"

After dinner, we used to sit at the kitchen counter and do puzzles. Start with the edge pieces and work your way inwards. My job was always to find the corner pieces. Some nights, we would colour. Since I'm a lefty, she always colored the right page and let me do the left one. We filled up a color-by-number book when I was nine. I think my mom still has it packed away somewhere. 

I remember the first grandparents day when my cousins and I were finally all in the same elementary school. I was jealous that I had to share her where I hadn't had to share her before. 

During the holidays, I used to help her bake cookies and stir homemade Chex Mix. I would watch in awe as she made homemade pie crust from one of her mothers cookbooks. I always turned my nose up whenever she mentioned the words "green tomato mincemeat pie."

She always made Christmas special. My cousins and I all had these advent calendars where you get to eat a candy bar every day until Christmas. My grandma used to sit in her chair and tie 75 candy bars in total onto our Santa strings, 25 for each of us. 

When I graduated from 8th grade, I had a 4.0 gpa. She bragged to anyone that would listen that entire summer about it. "My granddaughter has a 4.0 grade point average. I'm so proud of her." 

When I was in kindergarten, she used to walk me down to the corner of my street to catch the bus every morning. In elementary school, she would walk me to the 5 corners to meet my cousins so we could walk to school together. In middle school, she would park around the corner from school and be there to pick us up every day. In high school, she always made sure I got up on time to catch the bus. 

Every time I had an important test—state testing in 4th, 8th & 10th grade, final exams in high school, the day I took my drivers test—she always cooked a big breakfast of whatever I wanted. Most of the time it was chocolate chip pancakes and a big glass of milk. Sometimes it was French toast. She always made sure I got a balanced breakfast on my important days. 

When I left for Savannah to go to art school, she got up at 4 o' clock in the morning with us to say goodbye. I sobbed into her chest as I hugged her goodbye. 

I love my grandma with all my heart. She has made my world a better, brighter place to live in. I'm terrified of losing her, because I do not know how to live in a world where she does not exist. I will always think fondly of my memories of her, and I'm trying my best to cherish all of the time I have left to spend with her, regardless of all the driving I have to do to see her. 

I love you, grandma. I'll see you soon. 

for the love of... flowers

shadow play