July 28, 2015
July 27, 2015
I'm grateful for colour today. It makes life worth seeing. It makes flowers more vivid, makes book covers more engaging, makes my life better. And it looks good all nicely packaged in rainbow order too. ;)
July 24, 2015
June is in the book! And I 150% need to upgrade to bigger book rings asap. I love this little book so much. I love playing with paper and pictures and getting stuff down. Now I just have to finish working on July.
July 23, 2015
My wedding day look is done, minus maybe changing the hairstyle. And adding the brown boots my mom gave me out of her closet from the eighties when I was nineteen.
We had to change the bridesmaids dresses because right now they're 3 months on back order (#oops). The girls can do their hair and accessories however they feel is best; I'm just partial to the pocket watch necklace. For shoes, I'm highly thinking brown boots since it'll probably be a little chilly outside.
I hate the email game, but it's a necessary evil in the wedding planning process. Waiting on responses from officiants and florists and DJs. I'm also in the process of putting together our invites. It's really starting to feel like crunch time around here. I can't wait to marry Justin.
July 20, 2015
7 months ago, I came out on the blog and made it public knowledge that I had cheated on Justin for much of our 2 year relationship. It was something Justin wanted me to do. He thought it would help his hurting process for me to share my wrongdoing with the whole world. For me, it was cathartic to write. To realize why it happened in the first place and why I kept going back again and again to people who are no good for me.
Right now, it's been about 9 months since everything came out. It feels like we're in such a better place now than we were in November and December, but the reality is this: we are still struggling. We still put walls up around each other. He lashes out for no apparent reason other than he's hurting so badly he needs to express it, and I just keep all my feelings bottled tightly up inside.
There are millions of stories out there from the people who have been cheated on. I struggle every day to find ones from the cheaters. I don't talk to Justin about it because I don't want to hurt him more than I already have. I don't talk to my family or my friends about it because I don't want them to think badly of Justin or of me. The way Justin found out in the first place was by reading my diary, and now it feels as though I can't ever keep a diary or a journal ever again for fear that something else like this will happen. That I'll relapse and fall back into old habits, and I can't ever let that happen again.
So I'm turning to this little text box to say that life hurts. In the beginning when this all came out, it hurt even more. Just thinking of Christmas and how we spent it makes my heart break in two: we were holed up in the bedroom, him drilling me about everything that happened, everything that had led up to this point in our lives. We had a lot of sex then, using it as a coping mechanism to prove that we could still be close to each other.
Now, seven months later, we're still suffering. The initial hurt has passed, the shock has passed, the betrayal has passed, but all the guilt and all the shame and all those broken promises and a picture of the people we could be right now still remain. We're trying to plan a wedding and fix our relationship with each other at the same time. He asked me last night, "How do we get close to one another again?" And, in truth, I have no freaking idea. How do you rebuild intimacy after a tragedy that has blown your whole life apart?
For me, I need to break down walls. I need to talk about my feelings, actually say them out loud instead of writing them down. That's the hardest part about this whole situation, the talking. It was hard when I was telling Justin I had had an inappropriate online relationship with an ex boyfriend. It was hard when his family found out and didn't know if they could trust me anymore. It was hard when everyone at work found out, and sometimes it's still hard to get up and go to work every day like it never happened.
Right now, it's hard to shoulder all my guilt and all of shame toward it. It's hard to call my friends back when they need me the most, and it's hard to shoulder their sadness from my failures there as well. It's hard to get out of bed in the morning, it's hard to take a shower and do normal tasks that must be done to live my every day life. But I still do it. I get up and go to work every day. I put one foot in front of the other and push myself because I have to. These are the non negotiables.
I'm working on it, fixing the broken heart of our relationship. Justin is working on it. We're working on it together because there is no trouble shooting this, there is no tech support or how to guide to getting through this pain. All we can do is take it one step at a time. And we are.
July 17, 2015
I'm grateful today that it's Friday. That there's plenty of coffee to go around. That I finally have a plan for the final stages of this blanket. That I have found the things that make my soul happy.
Have an awesome weekend. :)
July 16, 2015
About a month ago, I cut down from drinking two (sometimes three) cups of coffee a day to just one. This has been a tremendous change for me. I really savor my cup of coffee in the morning now. And if I make a whole pot out of habit, I can just put it in the fridge and not have to worry about making coffee the next day. I don't get coffee crashes anymore. I feel better throughout the day, and have noticed that overall I am less grumpy (unless I got zero sleep... then give me all the coffee you have). This switch to one cup a day has made me grateful for coffee even more than I already am.
July 15, 2015
Working on my summer book. My photos came in yesterday and I ordered more photos last night before I went to bed. My book is getting nice and thick. I'm so beyond happy I decided to make a book to document my summer this year. I have printed more photos in the last two months than I'm pretty sure I've had printed in the last 5 years. (So I'm crossing #4 off my birthday list!)
Some of you may notice that my cover is different from the last time I did an update... I had an unfortunate encounter with black paint that ended up all over my other cover. Totally digging the change, though. Totally digging this album, making different layouts and finding inserts to add. I will always #doitfortheprocess of making things, but making stuff feels almost more fulfilling when you enjoy the outcome of your process just as much.
July 14, 2015
knitting yep, you guessed it, the stash yarn blanket
drinking coffee at 1230 pm (no big deal)
sweating my butt off because nothing we do cools down our apartment
wondering how we survived the heat last summer
waiting for pictures I ordered to arrive in the mail
wanting to do nothing but work on my summer book
listening to a love of love songs lately, trying to come up with our first dance song
sleeping in later than I probably should be (but today's my Saturday!)
hunting for a good size, relatively good looking coffee table that won't break the bank
mourning the loss of our $10 microwave we've had since we moved into this apartment
celebrating the fact that, as of the beginning of the month, we can drive on our street again!
making my water fight goal a reality today
wishing you all a happy Tuesday :)
July 13, 2015
This past weekend there was an old car show in Iola, a few towns over from where I live. Everyone drives through Waupaca to get there so we were super busy at work this weekend. Good news: we survived. Even better news: I got to see my dad! He's been coming up for the Iola car show with his friends for as long as I can remember, so even though we're crazy busy at work, I love car show weekend because I know I get to see my dad.
We went out for lunch at Little Fat Gretchen's yesterday before I had to go to work. Then we went for a drive around town and I showed him all my favourite spots. I love hanging out with my dad. I'm so thankful for moments like this because we didn't always have the best relationship when I was growing up. Love you, Padre. Thanks for making my weekend awesome.
July 08, 2015
Yesterday after seeing this DIY on Pinterest, I immediately went off in search of smooth stones to paint. (Spoiler alert: I came up empty handed) Then I went to Dollar General and Kmart in search of supplies: a small pot, a foam brush, some dirt, and some aquarium rocks. I also came up empty handed on the aquarium rocks, but I'm gonna call those optional for right now.
So I got home and was itching to paint something. Then I remembered when Elise painted a pot for her 26 projects. And then I got to work. This yellow, peachy, teal colour scheme seems to be my thing this summer. It also showed up in my brave painting last month.
Now my next step is ordering smooth stones from Amazon, and then I'm considering crossing off #7 on my birthday list.