mood board

Went through the archives and made this inspiration board. I love fall and being cozy and all the colors. 

fall gratitude

Grateful for: fall flowers, pumpkins everywhere, piles of crunchy leaves, hot coffee, knitting, christmas lights, sweaters, blanket burritos, whiskers & mew sleeping at the foot of my bed, fleece pj pants, layers, mittens, light parties, quiet mornings, Justin, journaling, pumpkin coffee creamer, wearing handmade scarves again, blankets and sweaters fresh out of the dryer, apple cinnamon tea, fall television, striped shirts, cardigans, boot weather, walks through the park, swinging, reading, Mayday Parade's A Lesson In Romantics album, the return of dark lipstick, inspiration being found everywhere. 

currently, october edition

cuddling with whiskers every night after work.

attempting to write every day. last night it was poetry about coffee.

smiling about this season in life. 

listening to mayday parade's a lesson in romantics album on a constant loop like it's 2008 all over again. 

seeing my grandma everywhere: in falling leaves, light parties, creamer swirls in my coffee. she's always with me. 

watching what else... grey's anatomy! loving this season so far. 

trying to be good to myself. lots and lots of self care and self love. 

drinking pumpkin creamer in my coffee. ('tis the season!)

knitting the beast of a blanket—7 rows until it's done!

brainstorming what project I want to tackle next. 

feeling a little guilty for not finishing my summer mini book. august got away from me. 

craving zucchini bread like my grandma used to make. 

loving the fall weather lately... I've missed my ugly sweaters!

wishing everyone a happy thursday. 

on my walk

#brbchasinglight

it's been a long day

The last two days have been the hardest days of my life. It's been really hard for me to come to terms with the fact that I won't see her anymore. I won't get to hear her laugh, I won't get to see her smile, or hear her call for me in the middle of the night anymore. I'll never get to hug tight again, or give her a kiss on the cheek. I'll never see her stick her tongue out at me when she's being sassy. I'll never get a grandma-made chocolate chip cookie, or pumpkin pie ever again.

I am trying to store up my memories, file them deep in my heart to keep her close to me. I am trying so hard to not lose her. I miss her. I miss her, I miss her, I miss her. This afternoon, I went out to the cemetery to visit her. They left her casket spread by her headstone and I grabbed a few more flowers out of it to press when I get home later. I sat in the grass, criss-cross applesauce, and openly sobbed for 10 minutes. I touched the firetruck engraved into the stone that holds hers and my grandfather's lives and I blew them a kiss. I walked back to my car still sniffling, but I could feel her smiling at me from the clouds.

On Tuesday night, I cried the hardest when they took her casket out of the church and loaded it up in the hearse waiting outside. I think that was when it finally hit me: I am never going to see her again. I sobbed openly into my mom's chest, smeared lipstick all over her yellow shirt, while she told me, "It's okay, baby girl. It's okay." My dad watched me with sad eyes. Him and my grandma were really close, even after my parent's got divorced, and I know he worries about me too.

Yesterday we buried her. Family and friends all gathered at our churches cemetery, wandered around looking at all of our family who is buried there. I found my great grandmother's grave, my grandma's mom and my namesake. She was born 100 years before me, in a totally different world. She helped shape my grandma into the woman she became during my lifetime and I am 100% thankful for that. 

We had a party in my grandma's honor at the next door neighbor's house last night. Everyone sat around, ate my grandma's famous chicken wings, drank strong drinks, and reminisced about our time with her. We talked about Brewer's games, summers spent at the pool, holidays, and all of our traditions with her. I felt so light, so happy, remembering her with just a fraction of the people who loved her.

I miss my grandma more than I can put into words. This is the first time I've ever lost someone that I have been as close as I was with her. I am grieving hard right now, but I know she would be proud of me for feeling so much for her. 

I love you, Grandma. I miss you.

magic monday (on tuesday)

My grandma's funeral is today. I am FOR SURE feeling all the things. I just thought it was fitting on Magic (Tuesday) that my grandma had a sign on her door that said Magical Mary Jane that my mom took from the nursing home when she went to collect her things. Today will inevitably be one of the hardest days of my life. I have to say goodbye to the woman I have spent my entire life with. 

Today I'm going to learn what family really means. It will be a far cry from what I thought it meant in 2012 & 2013, when everyone was clawing frantically trying to tear each other apart. I hope my grandma's spirit shines down on us today, and teaches us to look toward the light in the hard times. 

Today I'm leaning on my good humans, because they are all I have left. They are my sunshine in the middle of this gaping hole that has been left in my heart. I need them now more than ever and I am so glad for all the support everyone has shown in the last few days. My family and I are so so thankful. 

burlington trip

another trip around the sun

a new angel

March 5, 1932 - October 2, 2015

Dear Grandma,

I miss you more than I can say already. When I saw you on Wednesday night, the last thing I said to you was that I love you and told you to be good, be nice to your nurses like you were nice to me. You gave me a big hug and said you love me too but you couldn't make any promises about being good and staying out of trouble. 

I don't know how to live without you. I do not know how to live in a world where you don't exist. I bet you have your fishing cap on and you're sitting on a dock with grandpa right about now. You two have a lot of catching up to do. I know you're in a better place now than you ever could have been here with us, but I still miss you. 

Mom thinks that you waited for me to come home before you went. Like you somehow knew that I was coming and held on just for me. I will always be thankful for that, grandma. I will always cherish those final two days that I got to spend with you. 

I love you, Grandma. I miss you. I'm happy—so, so happy—that you're no longer in pain. Say hi to grandpa for us. I love you so much. 

03:10:01

3 years ago, Justin and I met in person for the first time. I will always cherish that first week we spent together because it was truly one of the best weeks of my life. Sometimes when I look at Justin, I still get that feeling of, "Wow, this person exists. He's right in front of me and he actually loves me." I will never take those feelings for granted ever again. 

It has been 10 months since Justin found out I cheated on him. And every day it feels like an uphill battle in my head. Our relationship feels like it's so much stronger now, but sometimes that little voice gets in the back of my head and tells me, "You don't deserve this. You're a Grade A Terrible Person. You aren't worthy of someone that loves you like Justin does." There are days when I listen to that voice, when I hide in bed all day and refuse to show my face to the world. Lately I have been struggling, we have been struggling as a couple, because of a boy who likes to flirt with everyone that came back to work. Justin doesn't trust me again, and I have to once more learn how to deal with the repercussions of my actions. 

We were supposed to get married today. I was going to put on a poofy (beautiful) white dress, and my dad was going to walk me down the aisle, and I was going to commit to this man who loves me for the rest of my life. But we are not ready. So we are taking another year to reconnect. We are taking another year to fix our relationship and ourselves, and I am learning that that is okay. Planning a wedding is serious and stressful business and it's okay to keep everything small. We will get there. I will get to wear my poofy white dress, and go meet Justin to commit to him forever. 

It's all a process, healing ourselves and our relationship to get to this milestone in our forever.