2018: a year in review

JANUARY 2018

Hold fast to your pockets of joy. I scribbled that line down one January morning, determined to find the magic in my endless string of monotonous days. I booked my first wedding of the year for May, and began my collaboration with Next Stop Kids Shop in Waupaca for their Spring Portrait Day Event. I could feel the beginning of something starting. Change was in the air but I didn't yet realize that all I had to do was jump out of my comfort zone to make something happen. I picked INTENT as my One Little Word this year, as an attempt to be more in the present and pick where I was spending my time and energy wisely. I started knitting a blanket from the same yarn that made a twisted cowl of mine in 2015. I upgraded my iPhone from the 6s to the 8+ and marveled over portrait mode (and mourned the loss of the headphone jack).

FEBRUARY 2018

McDonald's closed for renovations at the beginning of the month, which meant I basically turned into a fast-food zombie that permanently smelled like stale french fries and Hardee's grease. Combine that with winter's below-zero freezes and snow/ice storms and you had one depressed Anna. I celebrated the days I managed to drag myself out of bed at all. I boycotted doing anything but going to work and coming home and collapsing from mental and physical exhaustion. Justin and I watched a lot of documentaries. One day I got an email from eShakti and got my -ish together enough to photograph myself in one of their amazing dresses. I took pictures of tulips at the grocery store and started a countdown toward Spring and Daylight Savings to bring back some joy into my life.

MARCH 2018

I danced it out. A lot. All the work-related stress kept piling up. My life felt like it permanently belonged to Hardee's. I normally have a pretty good handle on my stress-related outbursts, but the added stress of McDonald's usual customers coming to Hardee's broke me and I more or less took it out on my co-workers and begged my bosses to listen to us. All I wanted was for my voice to be heard—"No more six day work weeks, you're killing everyone on second shift!" And let's not forget the night that I went on break to discover a flesh-light (YEAH, one of those!) stuck to the antenna on my car. My desire to take photography full-time again bubbled to the surface and I knew I had a concrete goal to work toward. Justin and I were dreaming about quitting Hardee's and moving out of Waupaca entirely. I was basically running on coffee and dance parties to keep myself sane. My portrait event with Next Stop Kids Shop on St. Patrick's Day went pretty good. Only three people showed up, but I was just so happy that 1) I wasn't spending a Saturday at Hardee's, and 2) I was taking pictures. Nothing else mattered. We rounded out March with a bout of the stomach flu. Not exactly the greatest ending to a not-so-great month overall.

APRIL 2018

I took prom pictures for one of my co-workers on a chilly Saturday morning. I took a walk around the backyard with my coffee almost every morning for my 365 picture. I finished another 365 project. Sometimes I still can't believe I took a picture every day for a year again. The weekend of my birthday, we got 30 inches of snow. IN APRIL. I started a 52 weeks project just like I did in 2011, determined to at least use my camera once a week but the ultimate goal was a self-portrait. Other than that, my birthday was pretty chill—mine and Justin's butts on the couch, Naruto: Shippuden, and eating pizza per tradition. Starr and I took pictures at the end of the month after all the snow had melted and it was warm enough to run around in a t-shirt again. I anxiously counted down to my first of three weddings in 2018.

MAY 2018

May was quite the month. I shot my first wedding in six years and didn't die. It all came back to me—the rush of capturing this day that you'll always remember but would never quite be able to recreate. I'm determined to do more of that in 2019. Eric, one of my Hardee's co-workers, and his fiancee Heather were the best. I can never tell them thank you enough times for going out on a limb and hiring me. The rest of the month was spent behind my laptop working on their pictures when I wasn't at work or going for my daily morning walk around the backyard. I did manage to squeeze in a trip to Burlington though to help Noelle with last minute wedding details over Adrian's. Hannah Brencher's new book Come Matter Here came out and I brought it to the laundromat to read every week once I got it. Toward the end of the month, I realized that although McDonald's was scheduled to open at the beginning of June, I was basically going to be working six days a week between Hardee's and my photo business. I knew one of them was going to get pushed aside sooner or later due to burnout and lack of interest.

JUNE 2018

I had my second wedding of 2018 on June 9 for one of my friends that used to work at Hardee's with me. I cried from behind my camera as she walked down the aisle and felt so honored to be able to capture her special day. And then during family photos, after the ceremony, my camera flashed an ERROR 99 message at me and died. RIP to my little Canon XSi. That night, I freaked out and tried like hell to get their ceremony photos off my chipped memory card so I could give them something. I also upgraded my camera to a Canon 6D Mark II and then quit my day job the very next day. (Say what? I'm crazy? Yes, I know.) Quitting Hardee's was a long time coming. The very last full shift I worked, a rainbow appeared at sunset. If that wasn't a sign, I don't know what is. I couldn't believe I was finally going to take the plunge to work for myself. The weekend after that was Noelle's wedding that I was in instead of photographing, and we had so much fun despite the heat index being like 107*. I got to give a toast before dinner and managed to fit 3 inside jokes, and 2 references to Grey's Anatomy: "You're my person" and the famous Mer-Der Post It Note Vows. When I got home, I got serious about setting a work schedule for myself and building a new routine. I built myself a website, got myself some business cards made up, and I was ready to go. 

JULY 2018

Honestly, I spent a lot of time the first half of the month catching up on Noah Centineo movies on Netflix. My dad's 60th birthday would have been July 16, and I spent half the day wallowing in sadness over his loss and the other half taking pictures for self-portrait therapy in golden hour sunlight. My dad never lived by anyone's rules except his own, and it was so therapeutic for me to be doing something I love just like he would have done. I also picked up that blanket I started knitting back in January again to knit the sadness and loss away. I took a trip to Burlington at the end of the month to meet with my last wedding couple of the year, and photograph an old friend and her baby. I was taking my normal drive around town to see what's changed and what hasn't and found a sunflower field on the side of the road. Oak Rest Farms, you da best for offering this beautiful field to the community to take pictures in.

AUGUST 2018

I spent the beginning of the month breaking down walls, asking myself, "What happens if we unwrap the trauma scars we all wear as women and let them breathe?" And then spent the morning rolling around on the floor, getting used to the way my own body felt beneath me. Taking back ownership of the very thing that was used against you is one of the most empowering parts of moving through trauma recovery. A few days later, I had a maternity session with an old friend from high school and was reminded of how good it feels to catch up with old friends. We went for lunch at Little Fat Gretchen's, aka where I take everyone who comes to visit me in Waupaca because it's so cute. I spent the two-year anniversary of my dad's death in Burlington again, but this year it was to shoot my last wedding of the year in Kenosha. My mom was in the middle of renovating her kitchen so I stayed in a hotel a couple blocks away from their reception venue. I went to the Brat Stop for dinner the night before the wedding and marveled at the sunset from their parking lot. One of my favorite moments from that wedding was when everyone was standing at the head table while "Shut Up and Dance" was playing, so I made everyone dance for pictures and got all of their guests cheering for them. Justin and I celebrated 6 years together, and our anniversary weekend is always made special because the fair comes to town. I went twice this year—once with Tammy, Cora and Hayden to see all the animals, and then went back later that night with Abby so we could take pictures of the lights and watch the sunset. August was pretty much the best.

SEPTEMBER 2018

And then came September, when the trauma monster came back in full force. I hosted a fall picture day event with Next Stop Kids Shop after how well the spring event went, but this time NO ONE bought tickets. My Instagram feed turned into an #annalovesmornings gallery while I spiraled in imposter syndrome. "If nobody wants pictures for TWENTY DOLLARS, who is going to pay me for their wedding?" I coped by taking self-portraits through pretty lace and window light. I found solace in quiet time spent goal setting in my planner and made the decision to start investing in my education again. I took a bunch of free webinars on how to find your ideal client, how to up your social media presence, and joined a Facebook group about ditching the digital files and finding a print lab. My pretty, glittery Pink Skies Up Ahead phone case leaked in my pocket and gave me a chemical burn on my leg which resulted in an ER visit and some pretty angry emails to ban.do. My friend Becca had her baby and we did newborn pictures inside Next Stop Kids Shop. I got a chase more sunsets hat to inspire me and inject joy into the days when it was all I could do to get out of bed at all.

OCTOBER 2018

In October, I really decided to put money into my education. I invested in Jenna Kutcher's course, The Instagram Lab, and I invested in a Jenni Maroney course called Money Maker that came with 3 video chat mentoring sessions. I was so excited to get started and see if I could really make a go at this since I had entered my "slow season" once the weather started getting cooler. Justin turned 32. Abby and I took pictures together on one of the last warm days. I did fall mini sessions in Burlington, which I had to reschedule because the weekend I was supposed to down originally, I got the flu. It was 40 degrees and everyone was chilly, but the final products turned out pretty good. My trip to Burlington also included getting to see my mom's new kitchen for the first time, and a trip to the Garden Center to make dried flower paperweights! (I also came home with a chest cold.) My fall mini sessions were the first ones I started offering prints with instead of just digital files. I got giant welcome packs with sample paper types and started trying to figure out ROES. I dove into my online classes and tried to use my One Little Word for this year (Intent) to help me build this business in a smart way.

NOVEMBER 2018

I started Christmas shopping with plans to go home and see my family for Thanksgiving-Christmas since it was my year to spend Christmas with Justin's family. I started my series of mentoring calls with Jenni Maroney. We fixed my mess of a website, and she made me set a goal of booking fifteen weddings for next year to meet my salary goals. (I am currently at two.) I made a doctor's appointment when that chest cold I thought I had just wouldn't go away. I was feverish and my ribs and my shoulder hurt. I started coughing up blood-tinged phlegm and I knew something was wrong. She had me get a chest x-ray, diagnosed me with community acquired pneumonia, prescribed a round of antibiotics, and we made a follow-up appointment for three weeks later to see how I was doing. This was the Monday before Thanksgiving. I ended up staying in Waupaca for Thanksgiving and FaceTiming with my family instead because I just felt really sick even after starting my antibiotics. It was fun though: we ate pie with breakfast (kind of seems like a no-brainer), and I sat at the kitchen table with my coloring books and giant pack of gel pens with Cora and Tammy. Low-key holidays are my favorite.

DECEMBER 2018

We set everything up for Christmas on December 2. I took Christmas light pictures to celebrate. On December 3, I coughed up blood when I woke up that morning and had been doing the same thing before going to bed the night before. I called my doctor to see if they could get me in any earlier and they said no and transferred me to a triage nurse. The nurse told me to get to the ER ASAP. Justin called his mom out of work to take me to Steven's Point where I got a CT scan and was told, "You have a mass in your lung and there's fluid surrounding your lung. We want to do a bronchoscopy, but don't have the technology to do it here so we're transferring you to Wausau!" Into the ambulance I went. I had my bronchoscopy done the next day where they took biopsies of my lymph nodes to make sure I didn't have cancer. They weren't able to get through the mass to get their sample so the next day I had a guided biopsy done where they numbed my ribs and went in through there with a giant needle to get their sample. After that my ribs got numbed again so they could stick another needle in me to drain the fluid from around my lung. On Thursday, they diagnosed me with blastomycosis and said that if I had waited very much longer to come in it would have killed me. I started IV anti-fungal meds, and they gave me a PICC line IV instead of a normal one so I could do infusions and have blood at home for two weeks. They sprang me free on Friday and I had a follow up appointment two weeks after that to get my IV out and so they could run my labs again. Now I'm on anti-fungal meds for an entire year and get to have CT scans taken every 4 months until the infection is gone. I made homemade Chex Mix for Christmas this year, and Justin and I had pizza for dinner in lieu of going to his grandma's house for Christmas dinner. We all opened presents in our pajamas and everyone got me coloring books this year! I've spent the last week dreaming big and working down to set my goals 2019 and picking my One Little Word for next year. 

Overall, 2018, you were pretty great with the exceptions of all my hospital bills. I transformed this year. It's been six months and I can still confidently say that getting out of fast food and diving into my business was the best decision I made this year. I had twenty sessions in 2018—three weddings, eight families (some were repeat clients!), and a handful of shoots with Abby and my other friends. I love the images I've been able to create this year, the trips I got to take, and all the fun I've had this year. The pockets of joy are way more frequent now than they were in January, or maybe they just feel that way because I'm not stressed to the max anymore and suffering from extreme burnout. I'm so thankful for everything this year has brought, even the blastomycosis—it forced me to relax and rest and take time off from thinking about work all the time. But also, I'm so excited to get better. ;)

Cheers, 2018. Show us what you're made of, 2019!