April 22, 2017

a little dash of stardust, pt ii

I have always associated the magic of stardust with one certain person that just didn't quite work out. I remember being nineteen, scribbling ferociously in my journal trying to get my thoughts to come out right. Scribbling about a boy that I thought with every fiber of my being was my soulmate.

"The chemistry is there. The timing is just off..." he would tell me. 

We ended with kisses so familiar, it felt like I would be kissing those lips forever. And then the radio silence that followed chipped away at my heart like an ice picker's axe, bit by bit by bit. And still I wondered, "What is wrong with me? Why doesn't he want me?"

It has taken the perspective only experience can bring for me to realize the most important thing about human relationships: You shouldn't have to beg for table scraps of attention from the people that claim to love you. You shouldn't have to constantly beg for a little compromise instead of going their way or the highway. If someone loves you, they're going to show the fuck up for you—and you shouldn't expect any less of the people you give the darkest pieces of your heart to. The broken parts, your softness and all of your fears deserve to be taken care of too, not shoved in a corner and forgotten about. 

I remember scribbling about the stardust that coursed through this boy's veins, as if it made him magical, and now I wish I could give my nineteen-year-old self a hug and tell her, "Hey, stop that. You have stardust inside of you too."

I have stardust inside of me too. And now I can finally allow myself the grace to really feel the magic.

April 21, 2017

f r i d a y

 

  1. where does the good go? - tegan & sara 
  2. new slang - the shins
  3. compliment each other like colors - playradioplay!
  4. sweet disposition - temper trap
  5. so good - zara larsson ft ty dolla $ign
  6. mushaboom -feist
  7. fascination - alphabeat
  8. bigcitydreams - never shout never
  9. alien - britney spears 
  10. give 'em hell kid - my chemical romance

April 20, 2017

a little dash of stardust

 

Solar System Syndrome is real. 


You're probably thinking, "What the hell are you talking about, Anna?"


That feeling you get in your stomach when you think about the other nine planets out there. That ours is just one to rotate around the sun. That you are just one tiny life in the massive crowd of 7.5 BILLION people that live on Earth today.


That feeling makes you feel about as important as a single speck of dust, floating through the afternoon sun. 


Watching Deadliest Space Weather tonight, I started to feel very small and unimportant because "How can I make a difference with my one-in-seven-billion life?" And then, I recalled a fact we learned in high school. 


We all have stardust inside of us. Each and every one of us.


It sounds like a cheesy line of poetry but it's true. There is magic in that. There is beauty in that. And it helps to keep the Solar System Syndrome at bay.  

April 17, 2017

crazy plans

 

In addition to the daily journaling project I started, last night I also made the CRAZY decision to start a 365 project chronicling my 25th year. Here are the first four days. 

Right now, I'm predicting lots of coffee pictures. ;) And, if I can ever save enough money to buy a computer, I hope to break out my big camera again too. I'm so inspired to document right now. Change is in the air and it feels really good. 

April 16, 2017

happy easter

 

He is Risen. 

And because of Him, I am saved by Grace. 

I am trying my hardest to cling to this thought today, on Easter. I have been surrounded by a heavy depression since Thanksgiving. (Remember when I watched the entirety of Gilmore Girls + the revival in a month?) I have been trying my hardest to "snap myself out of it" and all of my usual coping mechanisms have seemed to hit a wall. 

For the first time since I was in high school, I finally have a regular showering schedule that I have kept up with religiously for the last four and a half months. I have tried to do my laundry at least once a week, and I wash my sheets every two weeks. I am trying so hard to take care of myself and it still feels like I am taking one step forward and three steps back. 

I have finally broken down some of my communication walls that I have built up over the years to shield myself and my emotions from my loved ones. The biggest one being the wall that used to exist between me and Justin. I feel so free and open to communicate with him and me finally breaking down that wall has done wonders for our relationship. I feel close to him again, in a way that feels tender and real like we used to feel in the beginning of our relationship. 

We are trying to plan for our future. 

I have until May 4 to get new tires for my car because on May 5, I have to take Justin to the oral surgeon for a consult that we have been waiting for and waiting for and have already had to reschedule once. 

I am trying to tackle bits and pieces of my student loan debt. The Department of Education took my tax refunds this year and finally I can no longer ignore the pile of money that I took out to only pay for two thirds of a year in college. I'm still bitter about the US Education systems and the numerous ways the system has screwed me and a lot of my friends out of an education we were basically told we had to get in order to be successful (but that's a whole different blog post full of issues). It's time to put my emotions aside and do the responsible thing. 

Justin and I also want to buy a house in the next 5 years. Being financially responsible now and taking care of our debt will help us be able to accomplish that goal in the future. 

Despite having dreams and goals and deadlines for the future right now, I still wake up every morning with an anxious web around my heart and the desire to sleep for "just 10 more minutes" that often turns into another 2+ hours. I lament to Justin and say, "I wish I could remember what it feels like to wake up in the morning and not be sad." He rubs my back and tells me he loves me. He knows that the little things are important when life feels like this, and for that I am the most thankful. 

So I'll keep putting one foot in front of the other and getting out of bed every day. Baby steps are still progress. 

April 15, 2017

new year, new project

 

When I was at Walgreens a few weeks ago, I picked up this planner. I had grand plans for it. Last night after Justin went to bed, I broke out my glue stick and markers and made this little planner into my next year long project. 
 
  

The monthly spreads at the beginning is my attempt at being organized. I wrote down major holidays and birthdays in black marker. Everything else—activities, my work schedule, deadlines and due dates will get penciled in as they happen. Ultimately, I want this section to reflect what I did by my next birthday. 

 

After the monthly spreads are weekly spreads broken down into daily bubbles. I'll be using this space to journal what I did each day or what I'm thankful for or just whatever comes out of my head. I want it to be a space for me to write and not feel pressured. 

 

The rest of this little book is blank note pages, an address section and a place to handwrite your usernames & passwords so they don't get lost. The plan right now is to turn this section into a little scrapbook of sorts, with photos and trinkets and memorabilia from different events. 

I'm so excited about this little planner and this method of documentation. I can't wait to see how it looks at the end of the year. 

April 14, 2017

25 25 25

 
 

Today was... wake up @ 10:30, force the Mew cat to snuggle with me for 5 minutes before I got up in search of coffee, coloring because birthdays always leave an anxious web around my heart, start a new project, "Babe what do you want for dinner?" & deciding on pizza, watching Naruto & snuggling on the couch, devouring a red velvet cupcake & some vanilla caramel gelato for dessert. 

Solid start, 25. Let's see what the next 364 bring.