December 09, 2017

hip hip hooray, it’s saturday

Three cheers for a fresh dusting of snow, the sun saying hello this morning, and  for peppermint mocha season being in full swing. Cheers, Saturday!

December 08, 2017

fear is the heart of love

Four years ago, I got this Death Cab for Cutie lyric inked into my skin forever. Every single day, I uncover a little bit more of what it means to be vulnerable. I learn more about what it means to have intention behind your actions. Fear is the building block of love. It's in every decision leading up to a relationship: the will we or won't we? The "Do you like me? Do you really like me?" question that lingers on everyone's tongue but no one ever says out loud.

Vulnerability has always been a sore subject for me. Does anyone really enjoy having all of their insecurities and baggage on public display? It has taken me a long time to really accept that just because fear lives inside the decision-making process, doesn't mean it has to scare the daylights out of you.

Fear lives in the butterflies that have taken up permanent residence in your stomach at the beginning of a new relationship. Their wings caress and mingle like your fingers on your first date. Your eyes are alight with possibilities of things come, the prospect for a future that seems so far off in the distance. My teenage years were ripe with star-crossed loves, and every boy that was not right for me taught me something valuable about myself and the pieces I gave away to them.

In the throes of young love, I forgot that it's okay to be soft. The memory of being fifteen and heartbroken taught me to constantly build up my walls. Never lose those tender parts of yourself. Never let anyone diminish those times when you truly learned what it meant to love and lose someone and still go on living your life. There is power there. There is healing there. Listen to your emotions. Identify them and sit with them for a while. They will teach you more about the ways you need to be loved than any book ever could.

Eventually, with the wisdom and perspective only time and experience can bring, you learn not to give away all the pieces of yourself that you did in the beginning. You learn to hold back the parts of your brokenness that you don't like talking about. But one day, light will shine on the jagged edges of futures not meant to be, and the right person will fit their equally broken pieces beside yours. Together you will create a future you never imagined could be possible on your own.

Being vulnerable isn't always a horrible thing. It's not always confrontation and facing the big, scary things in your life like they don't scare you. Sometimes it's just letting down your walls and relearning how to be comfortable with people, forming connections and saying, "Hey, shit happens. Let's help each other move past it."

Fear is the Heart of Love.

December 05, 2017

something tells me i’m into something good

Do something nice for yourself.

Take a day for self care. 

Don’t berate yourself for sleeping till almost 11 this morning. You needed to sleep. 

Take a quick walk around the yard and admire the late morning sunlight on the golden leaves in the backyard. 

Breathe in. Take that first sip of creamer foam off the top of your coffee. Feel the warmth seep into your bones as you shiver in your cardigan in 27 degree weather. 

Work on Sudoku and play Fight List on your phone because your fingers are sore from knitting Christmas presents and your mind needs a workout too. 

Go outside to start your car before taking Justin to work and marvel at the sky. Golden hour is my very favorite time of day, and nothing beats the sight of pretty clouds through barren trees. 

Wander around the grocery store for a while after you have everything on your list. Partly to get more steps in for the day and partly because you don’t know what you want for dinner tonight. 

Come home for Gilmore Girls and kitty snuggles and a pizza for dinner while Justin’s at work. 

Watch a documentary on Indonesia with Justin when he comes home from work and break out into giggles when Justin starts ranting about koteka and old lady boobs. 

Wait until everyone else is asleep and take a 45 minute shower and use all the hot water shaving your legs. Listen to your “Most Listened of 2017” playlist & use your fav lotion after. 

Do something nice for yourself, because when you feel good you can do anything. 

December 01, 2017

the beginning of the end

Somehow it is December already. The light this morning was comforting. December is always the beginning of the end of the year. Everyone is thinking about goals and resolutions to start accomplishing in January 1. I want to set some goals for now. 

For the month of December, I’m going to try to...
  1. Stick to a bedtime routine. Go to sleep & get up around the same time every day. I have been sorely lacking in the solid bedtime department lately and I am always so tired in the mornings because of it. 
  2. Curb impulse buying. It’s Christmas. I want to treat my friends to little gifts because I love them. But just because something is on sale doesn’t mean that it needs to come home with me. 
  3. Practice empathy and compassion. Just scrolling through my twitter feed lately is enough to give me anxiety, so I’m going to try to let out more light into the world. 
Happy, happy December. 

November 29, 2017

a note to my past (and present) self

I unearthed this scarf from the basement last night. I made it in winter 2015 after Justin found out I had cheated on him. It’s my first project that I knitted in the round, and it’s twisted and littered with mistakes. Wearing it all day today made me feel a certain kind of way. 

Remembering the tender moments where all of your softness and emotions come spilling out is an exercise in boundary setting. 

I have learned that it's okay to come close to the things that hurt you. 

Get lost in your memories. Sit with the things and the memories that hurt you. But you must remember to come back to your present. Come back to your life here and now. Come back to the people that are here, loving you right now, instead of living with the ghosts of your past in your head. 

Come close to the things that hurt you, but come back when your heart starts to hurt too much.

Don’t be afraid to let it out. Write down your feelings. (And then burn them if you have to.) Cry when you're all alone in the shower. Cook yourself a delicious meal, and take out all the emotions you're feeling on the veggies you're chopping. Call your best friend and have a three-hour catch-up call between kids and life and all the messy things in between. Reach out to your people. They will be there to catch you and lift you up when you are doing the messy work of getting into the mud.

Listen, I know you're tired. I know you're dirty and there's mud caked in your hair and all you want to do is give up and quit and go back to things being "easy."

But you have to keep going. 

The mud is going to swallow you whole for a while. It will consume you and become all you can think about for days and weeks at a time. You can sit there with your phone in your hand, scrolling through Instagram and Twitter and Facebook and back again shaking your head at me, but the stuff that wakes you up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat because you keep dreaming about it is no coincidence. The half flashes of memory that come to you in quiet moments are begging for your attention, inviting you to dive deeper.

You must confront your demons.

The only way to start thriving instead of surviving is to go through your demons instead of shoving your fingers in your ears and screaming, "LA LA LA, I CAN'T HEAR YOU." Your bare bones survival methods are not made to be how you live your entire life. There will come a day where the darkness becomes too much for you to bear. You can't take the solitude and the cold comfort of only your own arms for warmth anymore. You can't take the strange noises and the things that go bump in the night anymore. You will long for the light and passion of connection and community. You will find yourself stumbling around, asking yourself, "How on earth did I get here?"

Eventually, you will take your fingers out of your ears. Your voice will be hoarse from shouting and your arms will hurt from trying to keep everything and everyone else out of your proverbial eardrums. The exhaustion from running away from your problems will overtake all of your senses, little by little, until you have no choice but to fall to your knees in the mud and start the hard work of getting into it.

When you're ready, go all in.

November 27, 2017

magic monday

The sunset tonight was 360 degrees of pure joy. A Magic Monday, indeed. 

November 26, 2017

end of the holiday weekend

sunday’s are for... sleeping in. two cups of coffee. waking up to Tammy & Randy yelling at a squirrel for stealing one of the solar lights off the deck and running up a tree with it. snuggling with the cats. knitting until my hands feel like they’re going to fall off. noticing how all the buildings pop downtown now that all the leaves are gone. a gorgeous sunset from the drive thru window. 

happy sunday.