This month has, for sure, been 5 years long instead of 5 weeks. Somehow it is still January. Everything is still a nice shade of gray and white and brown and lifeless. This is always the time of year when I get restless and sick of being inside and just feel the urge to create something.
I've been chugging away at my knitting project. (I'm on my last skein of yarn!)
I want to write a book.
I want to play with paper and photos again.
I just want to make something.
Hell, I might even COOK! (But that's a big might.)
I was motivated to drag the laundry basket with a mountain of laundry out to the car this morning. Maybe this make something energy is my ANNA, GO DO LAUNDRY energy in disguise.
(January needs to end now, ok?)
January 30, 2020
January 27, 2020
something worth celebrating
Little wins lately: I kicked my anxiety to the curb and drove to Green Bay for an engagement session on Saturday and had so much fun running around in the snow with one of my wedding couples for this year. I'm sharing their sneak peeks tomorrow and I'm so excited to finish editing this session this week. I feel like I'm really getting back into the groove with photography again... I'm starting to feel comfortable behind the camera again, which I truthfully haven't felt since before I worked at the studio and started photographing there in 2012. I'm coming back to myself, bit by glorious bit, and I couldn't be more thankful for where I am right now.
January 21, 2020
thoughts that could probably be tweets.*
*and have been (or might be), at some point, over the 11 years I have been on twitter.
**I also must say that I much prefer blogging over twitter as an archiving tool, so here we go!
You ever have one of those moments where you look around (or scroll through your archives) and you just kinda sit there speechless and in awe of everything you've ever done? I was just scrolling through my website blog and seeing everything that I've been working on since Hardee's, since before I quit there even, made me feel a sense of, "wow, I am really doing this."
And also, "I can't believe I built this. I built this. With blood and sweat and tears and my own two freakin' hands."
I keep saying 2019 was a dream come true. And it was. It really was. 2019, through the blasto and all the waiting and the hard seasons, showed me that I can do this. I can fulfill this dream of mine, and even though I only photographed two weddings, they helped me build my portfolio so that I can photograph TEN weddings this year!
I'm still trying to figure out how to balance deadlines and schedules when the thick of my wedding season doesn't even begin until June. 2019 showed me that I had it in me to do what it takes to get my feet off the ground. 2020 will be a test of my will-power and time management and the, "Do I have what it takes to live this dream full time?"
Picking up my camera again was me giving myself permission to feel joy again after denying myself the thing that I knew made my world go round for so long. I tried so long to stifle the dream because a man made me believe that I wasn't deserving of it. It took me so long to realize that that, amongst other things, was not love. Picking up my camera again was, in a way, me coming back to myself too.
Now it feels like I am picking up right where I left off in 2012 — except, this time, I have shifted gears from seniors to weddings. I am so excited to see where this year takes me, and I will not let my anxiety dictate the amount of joy that I get from running around with my camera and my dream clients.
**I also must say that I much prefer blogging over twitter as an archiving tool, so here we go!
You ever have one of those moments where you look around (or scroll through your archives) and you just kinda sit there speechless and in awe of everything you've ever done? I was just scrolling through my website blog and seeing everything that I've been working on since Hardee's, since before I quit there even, made me feel a sense of, "wow, I am really doing this."
And also, "I can't believe I built this. I built this. With blood and sweat and tears and my own two freakin' hands."
I keep saying 2019 was a dream come true. And it was. It really was. 2019, through the blasto and all the waiting and the hard seasons, showed me that I can do this. I can fulfill this dream of mine, and even though I only photographed two weddings, they helped me build my portfolio so that I can photograph TEN weddings this year!
I'm still trying to figure out how to balance deadlines and schedules when the thick of my wedding season doesn't even begin until June. 2019 showed me that I had it in me to do what it takes to get my feet off the ground. 2020 will be a test of my will-power and time management and the, "Do I have what it takes to live this dream full time?"
Picking up my camera again was me giving myself permission to feel joy again after denying myself the thing that I knew made my world go round for so long. I tried so long to stifle the dream because a man made me believe that I wasn't deserving of it. It took me so long to realize that that, amongst other things, was not love. Picking up my camera again was, in a way, me coming back to myself too.
Now it feels like I am picking up right where I left off in 2012 — except, this time, I have shifted gears from seniors to weddings. I am so excited to see where this year takes me, and I will not let my anxiety dictate the amount of joy that I get from running around with my camera and my dream clients.
January 20, 2020
radical acts of self-care
Today was for radical acts of self-care. More specifically, deal with the two+ weeks of overflowing laundry. Towels and socks today, clothes tomorrow, blankets on Wednesday. Take a freaking shower. Wash your face. Do all the things that you've been avoiding while stuck in the depression pit. I've been in a funk the last few weeks, and responsible acts of self-care are always the first step to wiping the slate clean.
January 17, 2020
stream of consciousness
Forgiveness is hard.
Feelings are hard.
Dealing with very big, very heavy emotions is not an easy task.
How do you balance that very fine line of wanting to feel loved but also having to choke down your feelings of resentment and bitterness and rage?
How do you forgive someone for not meeting your needs, for not loving you in the ways you like to be loved, without cutting them out of your life?
How do you process and the anger and the grief while at the same time try to rebuild and repair the relationship that you so desperately want to save?
I've tried talking and it always leads to yelling.
So much yelling.
And crying. The kind of tears that sting the most because they're from emotions you've been holding onto and harboring forever.
The talking leads to the yelling, which leads to the fighting, which always ends in the crying.
Maybe I really am my father's daughter?
It all really comes down to flight or fight.
I always run. I have a propensity to run far, far away from my problems in the moment.
And now? Now, we're putting in the work. Fighting. Because this is something worth fighting to save.
Conflict has always left a pit in my stomach, like my feelings aren't valid because nobody ever taught me that they were.
How do we learn to live with dysfunction, within ourselves and within a family unit, in the aftermath of our tragedies and our trauma?
How do we learn to forgive the actions of others without compromising ourselves and our values in the process?
How do we process these big, heavy emotions and clear the air and get them out into the open without creating a conflict of Pandora's Box proportions?
I feel like I have all these very big questions and no definitive answers.
Feelings are hard.
Dealing with very big, very heavy emotions is not an easy task.
How do you balance that very fine line of wanting to feel loved but also having to choke down your feelings of resentment and bitterness and rage?
How do you forgive someone for not meeting your needs, for not loving you in the ways you like to be loved, without cutting them out of your life?
How do you process and the anger and the grief while at the same time try to rebuild and repair the relationship that you so desperately want to save?
I've tried talking and it always leads to yelling.
So much yelling.
And crying. The kind of tears that sting the most because they're from emotions you've been holding onto and harboring forever.
The talking leads to the yelling, which leads to the fighting, which always ends in the crying.
Maybe I really am my father's daughter?
It all really comes down to flight or fight.
I always run. I have a propensity to run far, far away from my problems in the moment.
And now? Now, we're putting in the work. Fighting. Because this is something worth fighting to save.
Conflict has always left a pit in my stomach, like my feelings aren't valid because nobody ever taught me that they were.
How do we learn to live with dysfunction, within ourselves and within a family unit, in the aftermath of our tragedies and our trauma?
How do we learn to forgive the actions of others without compromising ourselves and our values in the process?
How do we process these big, heavy emotions and clear the air and get them out into the open without creating a conflict of Pandora's Box proportions?
I feel like I have all these very big questions and no definitive answers.
January 16, 2020
January 13, 2020
currently, january edition
living in all my walk in love t-shirts and this cozy sweater from Amazon
celebrating my one little word for 2020 by drinking out of my rachel allene mug every day
watching spinning out on netflix... if you haven't seen it, add it to your list!
listening to "love you for a long time" by maggie rogers on repeat
throwing confetti around is def a mood for 2020
planning deadlines and schedules for my 2020 wedding season in my get to work book
admiring snow covered trees and icicles against gray skies
knitting up a storm on the blanket that's been on my needles since 2018!
counting down the days until jenni maroney's newborn retreat in may! (120 days!)
wishing y'all a happy monday
*none of the links shared are sponsored or affiliate; I'm just sharing bc I love it!
January 06, 2020
something new
My beloved owl air freshener that Noelle got for when I first got my license finally bit the dust. I got a new one from the same company. This one makes me happy. Sunshine makes me happy. The colors make me happy. The gold tassel makes me happy. And it came in a two pack, which meant I got to carry on the tradition and give one to Noelle too. It's the little things.
January 01, 2020
one little word for 2020
Joyful • (adj.) Feeling, expressing, or causing great pleasure and happiness
I didn't have to look very far to find my One Little Word for 2020. I'm excited to welcome JOYFUL into the fold of MOVE, INTENT, CARE, CHOOSE, UP and UNAFRAID. This is my seventh year doing this exercise and in one way or another, it always inspires a great act of bravery within me. I hope that using JOYFUL to guide my year will allow me to stop being so hard on myself and stop letting my anxiety run my life.
In 2019, MOVE helped me conquer my fear of doctors and dentists. It even guided me back into therapy for the first time since high school. INTENT helped to me to harness my dreams and make my photography business a reality. CARE taught me how to prioritize myself over everything else that seemingly demands attention and responsibility 24/7. CHOOSE was all about mindset and learning how to set boundaries and say no in 2016. UP helped me to repair my relationship with Justin after UNAFRAID unleashed some pretty big demons in our lives.
Dear Joyful, welcome to the club. I can't wait to see where you take me this year.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)