oofta.

I got thrown into a 3 day opening stretch and then working first shift all week (except Thursday when I have to close). Friday is Justin's appointment with the oral surgeon. I'm tired and anxious and disassociating. Last week was so good and now everything feels upside down and backwards. But that's life, isn't it?

the best color palette

Pink. Green. Yellow. My favorite spring colors. 

update:

ROCKED MY INTERVIEW TODAY. 

Aka I left feeling very confident that I did a good job trying to explain who I am as a person to a stranger I've never met before, and hopefully that's enough for their team to decide to hire me. 

When he asked me if I had any questions today, I asked, "What's the dynamic like between coworkers here?" 

He looked at me and said, "Y'know, I've never been asked that before. That's a great question." And took some time to think about it before answering. 

Taking time to think. It's such an important step that people always overlook. 

AND... I sold my dad's Monte today. To his best friend's sister that lives a couple towns away from us. I know that her and her husband will take care of it and love it just like dad did. (And I can still drive it any time I want!) We met up for a late lunch after my interview and it was really nice to catch up and celebrate a little.

To new beginnings and letting go. 

to combat interview nerves...

I'm making lists when I should be sleeping. 

• Went to good will with Cristin this morning
• Had every intention of just going to get a shirt for my interview tmrw...
• ...walked out with FOUR shirts & a wooden cactus
• Went across the parking lot to Shopko for a new pair of black pants + black flats
• Couldn't resist the flowers in the parking lot
• The Chicagoans came in tonight for dinner just to wish me luck tomorrow :')
• (As much as I hate my job and how much stress it causes me, I LOVE MY REGULARS SO MUCH)
• I got to work with all my favorite people tonight!
• And I got to come home to the one I love
• (And our fur babies)

I am so blessed. Goodnight. 

peaks & valleys

Peaks and valleys is all life is ever made of. Everything ebbs and flows and we are always constantly trying to obtain equilibrium, and every time we are always knocked on our asses because some obstacle always stands in our way. Whether something comes up at home or at work or at school, something will always be obstructing that "so close you can smell it" view of happiness that society and the media have planted in our heads. 

Life is always "in progress." If it wasn't and everything went exactly the way we wanted them to, day in and day out, things would get a little bit boring.

The best example I can think of for this is art. Creative inspiration ebbs and flows like waves lapping against the shoreline. Making breeds making, but sometimes your energy shifts and then you're just in an ebb. Your inspiration will always come back. You will always find your flow again. 

a little dash of stardust, pt ii

I have always associated the magic of stardust with one certain person that just didn't quite work out. I remember being nineteen, scribbling ferociously in my journal trying to get my thoughts to come out right. Scribbling about a boy that I thought with every fiber of my being was my soulmate.

"The chemistry is there. The timing is just off..." he would tell me. 

We ended with kisses so familiar, it felt like I would be kissing those lips forever. And then the radio silence that followed chipped away at my heart like an ice picker's axe, bit by bit by bit. And still I wondered, "What is wrong with me? Why doesn't he want me?"

It has taken the perspective only experience can bring for me to realize the most important thing about human relationships: You shouldn't have to beg for table scraps of attention from the people that claim to love you. You shouldn't have to constantly beg for a little compromise instead of going their way or the highway. If someone loves you, they're going to show the fuck up for you—and you shouldn't expect any less of the people you give the darkest pieces of your heart to. The broken parts, your softness and all of your fears deserve to be taken care of too, not shoved in a corner and forgotten about. 

I remember scribbling about the stardust that coursed through this boy's veins, as if it made him magical, and now I wish I could give my nineteen-year-old self a hug and tell her, "Hey, stop that. You have stardust inside of you too."

I have stardust inside of me too. And now I can finally allow myself the grace to really feel the magic.

*read a little dash of stardust, pt i here

f r i d a y

1. where does the good go? - tegan & sara 
2. new slang - the shins
3. compliment each other like colors - playradioplay!
4. sweet disposition - temper trap
5. so good - zara larsson ft ty dolla $ign
6. mushaboom -feist
7. fascination - alphabeat
8. bigcitydreams - never shout never
9. alien - britney spears 
10. give 'em hell kid - my chemical romance

a little dash of stardust

 

Solar System Syndrome is real. 

You're probably thinking, "What the hell are you talking about, Anna?"

That feeling you get in your stomach when you think about the other nine planets out there. That ours is just one to rotate around the sun. That you are just one tiny life in the massive crowd of 7.5 BILLION people that live on Earth today.

That feeling makes you feel about as important as a single speck of dust, floating through the afternoon sun. 

Watching Deadliest Space Weather tonight, I started to feel very small and unimportant because "How can I make a difference with my one-in-seven-billion life?" And then, I recalled a fact we learned in high school. 

We all have stardust inside of us. Each and every one of us.

It sounds like a cheesy line of poetry but it's true. There is magic in that. There is beauty in that. And it helps to keep the Solar System Syndrome at bay.  

*read a little dash of stardust, pt ii here

crazy plans

In addition to the daily journaling project I started, last night I also made the CRAZY decision to start a 365 project chronicling my 25th year. Here are the first four days. 

Right now, I'm predicting lots of coffee pictures. ;) And, if I can ever save enough money to buy a computer, I hope to break out my big camera again too. I'm so inspired to document right now. Change is in the air and it feels really good. 

happy easter

He is Risen. 

And because of Him, I am saved by Grace. 

I am trying my hardest to cling to this thought today, on Easter. I have been surrounded by a heavy depression since Thanksgiving. (Remember when I watched the entirety of Gilmore Girls + the revival in a month?) I have been trying my hardest to "snap myself out of it" and all of my usual coping mechanisms have seemed to hit a wall. 

For the first time since I was in high school, I finally have a regular showering schedule that I have kept up with religiously for the last four and a half months. I have tried to do my laundry at least once a week, and I wash my sheets every two weeks. I am trying so hard to take care of myself and it still feels like I am taking one step forward and three steps back. 

I have finally broken down some of my communication walls that I have built up over the years to shield myself and my emotions from my loved ones. The biggest one being the wall that used to exist between me and Justin. I feel so free and open to communicate with him and me finally breaking down that wall has done wonders for our relationship. I feel close to him again, in a way that feels tender and real like we used to feel in the beginning of our relationship. 

We are trying to plan for our future. 

I have until May 4 to get new tires for my car because on May 5, I have to take Justin to the oral surgeon for a consult that we have been waiting for and waiting for and have already had to reschedule once. 

I am trying to tackle bits and pieces of my student loan debt. The Department of Education took my tax refunds this year and finally I can no longer ignore the pile of money that I took out to only pay for two thirds of a year in college. I'm still bitter about the US Education systems and the numerous ways the system has screwed me and a lot of my friends out of an education we were basically told we had to get in order to be successful (but that's a whole different blog post full of issues). It's time to put my emotions aside and do the responsible thing. 

Justin and I also want to buy a house in the next 5 years. Being financially responsible now and taking care of our debt will help us be able to accomplish that goal in the future. 

Despite having dreams and goals and deadlines for the future right now, I still wake up every morning with an anxious web around my heart and the desire to sleep for "just 10 more minutes" that often turns into another 2+ hours. I lament to Justin and say, "I wish I could remember what it feels like to wake up in the morning and not be sad." He rubs my back and tells me he loves me. He knows that the little things are important when life feels like this, and for that I am the most thankful. 

So I'll keep putting one foot in front of the other and getting out of bed every day. Baby steps are still progress. 

new year, new project

When I was at Walgreens a few weeks ago, I picked up this planner. I had grand plans for it. Last night after Justin went to bed, I broke out my glue stick and markers and made this little planner into my next year long project. 

 

The monthly spreads at the beginning is my attempt at being organized. I wrote down major holidays and birthdays in black marker. Everything else—activities, my work schedule, deadlines and due dates will get penciled in as they happen. Ultimately, I want this section to reflect what I did by my next birthday. 

 

After the monthly spreads are weekly spreads broken down into daily bubbles. I'll be using this space to journal what I did each day or what I'm thankful for or just whatever comes out of my head. I want it to be a space for me to write and not feel pressured. 

 

The rest of this little book is blank note pages, an address section and a place to handwrite your usernames & passwords so they don't get lost. The plan right now is to turn this section into a little scrapbook of sorts, with photos and trinkets and memorabilia from different events. 

I'm so excited about this little planner and this method of documentation. I can't wait to see how it looks at the end of the year. 

25 25 25

Today was... wake up @ 10:30, force the Mew cat to snuggle with me for 5 minutes before I got up in search of coffee, coloring because birthdays always leave an anxious web around my heart, start a new project, "Babe what do you want for dinner?" & deciding on pizza, watching Naruto & snuggling on the couch, devouring a red velvet cupcake & some vanilla caramel gelato for dessert. 

Solid start, 25. Let's see what the next 364 bring. 

circle of life

There seems to be a trend the last two years with burying family pets during my birthday week. 

Last year, when I went home for the weekend, we buried my childhood dog Bubba on my grandma's hillside next to Buddy the cat from New Jersey, my other furry brother. 

Today Justin and I buried the Booky cat in the backyard. Justin cut off a lock of his fur. I pet him one last time and told him how much I loved him. He was the best cat and I fucking miss him. 

Mama and Daddy love you, Booky Kitty. Always and forever. 

badda boom, badda bing

FEELS LIKE SPRING!

Or, y'know, it did until yesterday when the rain came through and now we're back to gray, 40s-but-feels-like-30s, just makes you want to stay home grossness that has left me feeling out of sorts since February. I just want winter to be O V E R. 

But tonight, my last Tuesday EVER as a 24 year old, Deadliest Catch comes back. I'm making a pizza for dinner. Justin is probably going to have his Deadliest Catch traditional meal: salmon and loaded mashed potatoes. We're camping our butts on the couch in front of the TV tonight and I wouldn't have Tuesdays be any other way. 

dear justin,

I never wrote about the Booky cat dying. It broke my heart too much. (It breaks my heart even now.) I still can't even think about that night, January 24, without tearing up. How I came home at 5 pm to check on him, moved him in front of the heater so he would be comfortable and I told him I loved him before I went back to work. You came home from work two hours later and he was gone. The pain in your voice when you called me, the heartbreak and all the anguish was palpable. It's one of those things I know I am always going to remember. 

Right now, you are outside in the backyard of your parent's house, digging his final resting place. I am sitting inside, watching Cops, and thinking about the last four years. 

Four years ago I packed all of my belongings into my car and drove three hours away from the only place that ever really felt like home to me, to start a new life with you. And that was the best decision I ever made. 

You're The One, babe. You're the one who made me feel seen for the first time in a long time. You listened to me. You believed in me and helped me face my fears. You still do all these things for me every day. 

Because of you, Justin, I know that I didn't deserve how I let people from my past treat me. You comfort me and let me know that everything will be okay during my meltdowns where people that have come before you have told me to "suck it up" and stop being so "god dammed sensitive." You have stuck by my side faithfully through all of the crap—the lying and the cheating and the bullshit when you absolutely didn't have to. I believe you stayed because you truly believed in the power of our love and what we can accomplish as a team. I cannot thank you enough for the courage it must have taken to forgive me. 

I love you, y'know? You have taught me how to be a better person. You have helped me to grow into the person I was always meant to become. You have helped me to overcome my insecurities and tame my anxiety. You have been there for me in the impossibly tough times—when my dad died, the first thing you did was go into crisis mode and made the phone calls that needed to be made while I was overwhelmed with heart wrenching sobs of grief. You have been my anchor, my rock, my support when my depression threatens to drown me. 

You always know how much power a back rub holds when I am upset. How much a little scratch under my chin makes me grin like an idiot any time of the day. You know all my ticklish spots that are guaranteed to make me laugh. 

I love you. 

I love doing this life with you, together. Let's keep doing it forever, okay?

xo,

Anna

happy birthday!

 

 

 

 

 

 

Yesterday was the blog's SIXTH birthday! Hands down, starting this blog was the best decision I ever made. What started as a place to store rolls of film, client shoots, and memories I didn't want to lose has transformed into a place where I have discovered how to love myself and all of my insecurities and idiosyncrasies. 

I have gone from a single woman living at her parent's house after dropping out of college to now—almost a week away from 25, living on my own, with my long term partner of 4.5 years and our two adorable fur babies. I have come to know myself better by writing and photographing and sharing in this space. I have come to find my voice as a writer by using this little text box as my sounding board. This blog has become a sort of therapist for me (except I'm not shelling out an arm & a leg & half of my firstborn's soul to pay for it!). 

Thankful today for little things. For growth. And change. And the real power of transformation. Happy birthday little blog. Thank you for being the tool to help me know myself the best. I love you. 

blink and it's gone.

March always feels like a call to action. A call to get up and go. 

And yet it feels like I blinked and POOF! March is gone. March was a painful month this year. An anxiety filled month from the get go that has left me in a bottomless depression pit as we segue into April. 

It already April 3. 11 days until my twenty-fifth birthday. This time of year always leaves me feeling soft and raw and vulnerable. The change of seasons always does this to me. As I scroll through Instagram and see my friends and people I follow from all over the world have buds on their trees, my inner brat cries, "Noooo fair! I want SPRING TOOOOOOOO!!" 

But, y'know, a little bit of sunshine would be nice. And some greenery. As much as I love pretty sunsets against silhouetted trees, I miss leaves. And grass. And flowers. 

C'mon, Mother Nature, would some sunshine and a little bit of spring be such a bad birthday present?